As Cliched As It Sounds, I'm Trying To Find Myself

I've read several interviews with author Neil Gaiman where he has stated that the best advice for aspiring writers is to read. I have also heard time and time again that Orson Welles learned filmmaking by watching the films of John Ford over and over again. The main idea in both notions is that to be an effective story teller, you have to learn it from somewhere. Not simply from a textbook or a lit or film class, but from really analyzing and observing the work of others. I really want to believe that that's what I have been doing with the year and a half since I've graduated college. 

Almost every weekend I go to the movies. I purchase new books and DVDs almost every week. I seek out films and books by my favorite directors and writers and the works that have inspired them. Every now and then after taking in the latest film or book, I am struck with a bolt of inspiration that says "Holy crap, this is why I want to do this." A Clockwork Orange, Spider-Man, Rocky II, Shaun of the Dead, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Rushmore, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, The Rules of the Game; these are just a few films that have made me feel this way the first time I saw them. Each time I've felt that, I have longed to create that response in others. So I go in search of more. I take in more and more tales in the hope that I will discover the way to tell my stories. 

At least, that's what I hope I'm doing.  I wonder every day if everything I've read and seen is working towards something meaningful or if it's all part of some compulsion. I know that there are a few stories that I have written variations of over the years, but I have never been satisfied. I've come close once or twice, but I always worry that I won't be able to do it. Most people worry about finding meaning in the grand scheme of things and don't worry, I'm neurotic enough about that, but I think I worry more about finding meaning in my work. I know I haven't been out in the "real world" that long, but I worry every single fucking day that I'm wasting my time.