Further Thoughts on the Marvel Film Universe

To add to my post below, I'd like to share a geeky memory. When I was younger, somewhere between the end of elementary school and the beginning of middle school I was at the height of my comic book love. Specifically, my love for Marvel comics. I was a Marvel Zombie. At one point I was buying almost every single Marvel comic because it tied into the Onslaught* crossover. Which in some cases, was really stupid, because the tie-ins could be really dumb, as in Ghost Rider casually mentions he could be helping everyone in New York fight Onslaught and yet somehow the cover reads "ONSLAUGHT TIE-IN! DON'T MISS IT!" Needless to say, I was really excited about anything Marvel. So when one fateful Saturday, the Sci-Fi Channel advertised a "Might Marvel Movie Marathon," I was ready for a new change of pants.

This was before Spider-Man, before Blade. At this point there hadn't been any Marvel heroes on the big screen aside from Dolph Lundgren in The Punisher(which I hadn't seen), so it was exciting for me to see all these TV movies, like The Incredible Hulk Returns**, The Trial of the Incredible Hulk, Captain America, Captain America II: Death Too Soon, The Amazing Spider-Man, and Doctor Strange. I don't recall much of these movies except that they had very little to do with the source material and they mostly sucked(except for the Hulk ones). But at the time, it was exciting to simply see any kind of live-action media featuring these characters. 

Now, while I don't wish a return to crappy low-budget versions of Marvel characters on television, I feel that certain characters would benefit from small-screen exposure before a movie was attempted. Specifically, a Daredevil series would benefit greatly from a serialized format. If it was given the production value of a top-tier series like Lost, and with creators of a high caliber, it could easily be one of the best shows on television. People complain all the time about the glut of comic book movies, well, I think its time to bring comic books back to television.

*Onslaught was a villain that was the result of Magneto and Professor Xavier's minds making a baby. It was an ugly stupid baby.

** The Incredible Hulk Returns features Thor. And the guy who plays Thor looks like the wrestler Triple H, which leads me to believe that Triple H playing Thor wouldn't be as bad as I first thought. 

Building a Film Universe

As a lifelong comic book fan, I've always enjoyed the shared universes that were created by Marvel and DC. The best thing was that in any given Spider-Man comic, any member of the Marvel Universe could show up, whether in a starring role or just in a cameo. You might see an issue where he teams up with the Punsiher, when all of the sudden in the background, you see Bruce Banner walking along pondering his troublesome existence as the Hulk. Plus you would get a footnote telling you to buy the latest issue of The Incredible Hulk to see why Dr. Bruce Banner was in New York this month.

Since comic book films gained popularity 8 years ago with the release of X-Men, many fans have been clamoring for interconnectivity between the films. It seems like it would be easy for DC characters since all their films are put out by Warner Brothers, but nothing has come of that yet. Not even the slightest hint that either exists in each other's world. Maybe they mentioned Metropolis in Batman Forever, but that's about it. Spider-Man and Ghost Rider were both put out by Sony and no connections were made there. Brian Cox's X2 character made his way into a photograph in Fantastic Four and Elektra spun off from Daredevil, but these were a far cry from any real suggestion that these characters existed on the same planet let alone the same universe. Daredevil couldn't even mention the Daily Bugle because it was a Fox movie and Sony had any Daily Bugle rights because of Spider-Man.

Sure, Marvel was making a ton of money licensing these movies, but they lacked in creative control and didn't have the option of linking the properties because none of the studios would want to give up any of "their" characters. Now, with Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk, Marvel is bringing the Marvel Universe to the big screen. Nick Fury cameos at the end of Iron Man and Tony Stark is supposed to pop up in the new Hulk film along with Captain America's Super Soldier serum. What Marvel is doing is building what could potentially be the biggest film franchise ever. If all of these films are considered part of one gigantic story, they can put out any number of sequels per year, featuring different characters, with little nods and cameos that place each film in the larger universe. Eventually if it grows enough, Fox and Sony might want to let the X-Men, Fantastic Four, and Spider-Man play too. Imagine a film where every Marvel hero teams up to take on a gigantic space god in purple helmeted Galactus instead of a shitty cloud! I would need a new pair of pants for every frame of film. 

P.S. Fuck Blade and Ghost Rider. They can keep to their mopey, supernatural selves. Unless they show up in a Dr. Strange movie. Then that might be pretty cool.*

*If they recast both parts.

What place does the media have in the zombie apocalypse?

When faced with the impending doom of mass death and destruction courtesy of nigh-unstoppable un-dead armies, one would hope that you could turn on your television and get useful information on stopping the zombie hoards at your door from your local newscast. However, in most cases, they only seem all too willing to help the government or corporation responsible to cover things up. 

We could go on for ages as for the why of this situation. Obviously the media is controlled by corporations, and if one of these companies is at least partly responsible for the death of millions, they're going to want to do some damage control. And if it's the government's fault, again, the media is more likely to roll over than to stand up and expose the situation. Despite the likely collapse of society and government, they still won't bet against the house. 

So, how do we make use of the media in such a situation? What good are they to us if they are going to lie, straight faced while we die? The trick is to look for the warning signs. They will never outright state that the dead are coming back to life to eat the flesh of the living. No, that's out of the question. Instead, you have to listen for rabies outbreaks, quarantines of buildings, neighborhoods or other public places, or most importantly, if Entertainment Tonight wishes a Happy Birthday to Bea Arthur on any day other than May 13th. Memorize that. If you hear Mary Hart wish a Happy Birthday to Bea Arthur on December 3rd, February 22nd, any date that is not the 13th of May, that means the zombie apocalypse is imminent. This is a code word for the media elite. It means that they have to get to their designated bunkers while look-alikes will replace them in the public eye. Now you can utilize their code as well. You won't be protected underground under 200 feet of concrete, but you'll have time to do the best you can in the situation.

Now, you may be wondering, what about the internet? Everyone's got a camera these days, won't the truth be exposed this way? Won't we be able to stop the zombie infection before it spreads? No. No we will not. It's like the boy who cried wolf times a million. The internet has given every douche out there a voice, therefore any attempts at telling any kind of "truth" can be discounted by the powers that be. There will be those that will listen, but it won't be enough to matter. 

What have we learned? That we can't trust mainstream media, and independent online media can't be relied upon to save the day either. So what can we do against the waves upon waves of the undead? If no one will believe it is happening or figure out how to effectively survive before it's too late, then what hope does anyone have? This expert zombiologist doesn't have these answers for you. I can only pose questions and hope you'll put some of this information towards your own survival.

Paul DeKams is an accredited Doctor* of Zombiology. He is sequestered away in his zombie proof compound somewhere on Long Island with enough food and bibles to get him through at least 3 zombie apocalypses...that is, if he goes easy on the bibles. 

* Witch Doctor & Scientific Doctor, to cover instances of zombies caused by the supernatural or science, respectively. 

On Cooking: The Eat-fold Path

As some of the more astute readers* may have noticed, on the sidebar you'll find a link to my recipe blog, The Boat & Bridal Expo. Cooking is one of my favorite activities and not simply because I love food--though, as a former fat kid, I probably love food too much--but because of the meditative nature of the act.

Preparing meals is an intensely personal experience at every stage. At the market, you buy the foods that interest you. When you get home, you reflect on what you have available and decide what to make. As you cook, you add the ingredients you desire and season them to your own Platonic ideal of perfection. While you eat, you determine the setting to enjoy it in. In effect, you are romancing your palette.

By contrast, when you go out to eat you rely upon a series of decisions made by unknown individuals. Certainly, you have control over where you eat and what you order but your other options are limited. While some establishments may give you a say in how the food is prepared (e.g. grilled vs. baked), it is generally frowned upon to second guess the choices of the chef--who himself is preparing the meal based upon his own biased and the inherited culinary biases of the chefs who trained him. Essentially, your free will comes into play only at the stage where you salt and pepper your meal.

That is not to say that I do not enjoy going to a restaurant occasionally or that I will refuse to eat a meal cooked by someone else. Its good to experience something outside oneself in order to gain some perspective. For instance, I have never liked baked beans until I ate some at a barbecue held by Pauly--in the short time since, I have cooked them myself twice.** However, taken to the extreme, a life of eating meals only prepared by other people deprives you of valuable self knowledge; you are allowing others to define your tastes.

* I assume the imbeciles who read this blog were accidentally led here after googling "Dane Cook."

** Both recipes can be found by following the link above.

Trying to Achieve Wii Fitness

In my 24 years of life, I've had few brief periods with regular exercise. Through elementary and middle school I played soccer every fall(which I maintain is responsible for my awesome calves today), in high school I would opt for the weight room over other activities(because I hated almost everyone doing the other stuff) and while working at Waldbaums I occasionally worked in the stock room, doing some heavy lifting. Plus I made a few attempts at going to the gym during college, but nothing really ever stuck. I could never get into the routine. There was always an excuse: too tired, too hungover, A-Team episode I haven't seen, Rocky marathon, or having to return some videotapes. 

Recently though, I've been thinking a lot more about being healthy. While I was never "obese" (Fat rolls everywhere, ex. The Blob, Jabba the Hut, Mamma Cass), I've always been pretty fat. (Gut, man boobs, enjoyment of snack cakes) In January, I weighed in at the most I've ever weighed: 264.5 pounds. I was weighing in for the "Fat Bastard" contest at work, and while I was at first joining in for fun, when I saw that weight, I had some serious motivation to lose it. I heard the Rocky music in my head and the first thing I would do when I got home is exercise. Within a few hours, that motivation was gone. But then I happened upon the "Belly Off" diet on the Men's Health website. I'm not going to go into details, but it encourages you to eat beer and steak, and I was down with that. It got me into a better eating habit, and over the course of three months, I lost 32 pounds. 

Then I kinda fell into a month long celebration of losing that weight. A few extra burgers here and there, and then I became an addict for three weeks. To Archer Farms Kettle Chips. These are delicous. Flavors like Buffalo, Spicy, Wasabi Mustard, Sweet Onion, I could not get enough of these. I wouldn't kill a man to eat these chips, but I might torture his family while he watched. But then, like an angel from the heavens, Wii Fit came down to aid me in my weight loss motivation. It arrived two weeks ago, and I've started losing weight again.

Now, the way Wii Fit works, is it gets you active and makes you feel like a fat piece of shit. It's like a personal trainer, only without the person. Which is great for me, since I'm slightly agoraphobic and like to avoid personal contact when possible. Also, I don't have to deal with that guy at the gym who looks like Triple H and grunts loudly with every rep. Anyway, back to Wii Fit and the angry scale that yells at me. "Angry scale?" you might ask. The balance board, which you use for the most of the game, also has an animated counterpart to help motivate you onscreen. It administers your body tests and then grills you on what happened if you gain any weight. Today, it seriously warned me before weighing in if I gained any weight. It said "The last two times you gained weight, you said it was from eating too much, Pauly, let's not have that happen again." And that shit was seriously in bold. Every day I get on that scale is a day I don't want to be yelled at by the animated persona of said scale. It has inspired me to lose weight with fear. The only way it could be more effective is if it gave me an electric shock every time I gained weight. That's probably how the Japanese version works. *

*Because they're crazy**

**Opinion based on viewing of Japanese game shows***

***Also based on article I read where the author bought a used pair of girl's panties from a vending machine in Japan.

P.S. I haven't beaten my kettle chip addiction, but I have lessened my portions. Also, current weight is 223.