Film Review: A SINGLE MAN (dir. Tom Ford)

This film looks like an ad in Italian Vogue for homoerotic suicide fantasies. I don't mean that in a snide way (although, obviously: it is snide) but rather in a descriptive way.

Fashion advertisements, after all, do everything possible to glorify their subject. Tom Ford, a designer rather than photographer, nonetheless manages to imitate a style with which he is quite familiar. It also presents a melodramatic glorification of suicide: that is, the romanticism surrounding the act of suicide as envisioned by an individual with only the faintest intent of carrying it through. I do not get the sense from Colin Firth's performance, despite all assurances to the contrary, that (spoiler alert!) that he would have gone through with it himself in the end. What I get from the character is pathos, a wish to perfect one's death (possibly/probably in reaction to the sudden and unthinkable death of one's lover) in one's mind, and the film as that mental effort playing out on the screen. In short, I find the main character a bit solipsistic and I'm not exactly sure whether that adds to or detracts from the narrative.

I'm sure there are some things that I, as a straight male, may be missing in the subtext. Despite the dismissive way I treat the film above, I really did enjoy it, probably more as a tone poem than anything else.

Pauly's Favorite Yuletide Entertainment

It's time for me to teach y'all about the Christmas spirit. Here's my syllabus of Christmas movies, television specials and episodes that will help you to learn the true meaning of Christmas. You might say, "Pauly, it's December 22nd! How can I possibly absorb all of this in such a short period of time and learn about Baby Jesus?" To that I say, Santa gets around the world in one night, so you can watch all this shit in 3 days.

Film:

Its a Wonderful Life
NBC used to play this right after the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Then they stopped for some reason. Bastards. Luckily I have this on DVD so I can watch this anytime, but I miss the structure. Don't let anyone say this film is outdated or too sappy. It's got some hilarious one liners and goddamn if it doesn't make me cry every time.

Die Hard
The later Die Hard films forgot what Die Hard was all about: Christmas. Who else has wished that their office holiday party would be taken over by a group of international terrorists that are actually pulling off an elaborate heist because of this film? This also features my second favorite Christmas song, "Christmas in Hollis." (First favorite: "Holly Jolly Christmas" by Snowman Burl Ives...only the Snowman puppet version, no live action Burl allowed!)

Bad Santa

So much credit is given to Billy Bob Thornton in this film, but not enough to Brett Kelly as "The Kid." The scene of him dutifully opening his advent calendar that has been filled with pills and candy corn? Amazing.

Scrooged

"What is it, Frank? It's a toaster!" WHACK! Tied with A Muppet Christmas Carol for best version of Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol.

The Home Alone Series (1&2)

Kevin McCallister is a strategical genius, prepared for every possible outcome to every situation. And he's a little kid who loves Christmas. His family also apparently is part of some offshoot of Christianity that worships the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center.(See Home Alone 2)

The Nightmare Before Christmas
Technically this film should be watched once at Halloween, once at Christmas, and once inbetween on Thanksgiving.

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Michael Caine is amazing as Scrooge. Probably the last great Muppet movie, and my favorite Christmas movie ever for a multitude of reasons.

Television:

"Chuck Versus Santa"
From Season 2 of Chuck. Worth viewing for the return of Sgt. Al Powell, Reginald Vel Johnson's character from Die Hard. Also, Chuck saves Christmas or something of the sort.

30 Rock
"Ludachristmas" Everyone tries to learn the true meaning of Christmas, then gets trashed. Also, Andy Richter guest stars. That's a reason to watch on its own.

A Very Sunny Christmas
While some may balk at paying $15 to $20 for what is essentially two episodes of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, its well worth it. You get "The Gang" at their most shameless, Charlie's mom getting gang banged, an appearance by Mac's dad, and a naked Danny DeVito.

Also, any sitcom produced by Miller-Boyet in the 1980s-90s or aired on TGIF has dozens of Christmas episodes worth watching. Like the Full House where the Tanner family gets stuck in an airport on Christmas, but luckily the real Santa shows up. (In fact, almost every show in the history of television has an episode where Santa shows up but he's believed to be a main character in a Santa suit until that character shows up after the real Santa has already left)

Anyway, just watch all these shows and movies in the next three days if you need a quick lesson about Yuletide cheer and goodwill towards men.

Looking to look like you're worth a million bucks for under a thousand?

I recently set off in search of a bespoke suit. Here is what I initially sought: a three-piece, two button suit good for three out of the four seasons, custom lining, in gray or navy wool herringbone; a classic cut, suit for the office or the evening, but with some subtle flourishes. With a few samples ripped from magazines and catalogs in hand (as well as some advice from the Esquire black book of style), I researched appropriate tailors in Philadelphia.

Royal Custom Tailors: The gentleman here discussed what I was looking for and showed me some samples. He gave me a quote of $1,350. An online search for reviews turned up nothing on his suit-making.

Dress Right/David Chae: Without discussion of specifics, I was quoted a price of $1,500 to $2,000. An online search for reviews turned up nothing except a Best of Philly 2009 award, which does not mention the suit-making.

Mr. Rock: His website is useless and the pricing scheme (only $999 for two suits and three shirts) left me skeptical. I am also not comfortable with the fact that he is a transient, travelling from city to city and shipping work orders back to Hong Kong (supposedly). I wouldn't imagine that results in a great suit or a trust-building relationship with your tailor. I do appreciate his supposed strategy of building his customer base with MBA students and establishing a relationship with them throughout their business careers. Nonetheless this whole scheme appears dubious to me.

Nieman Marcus: An online search does not specify whether custom suit-making is offered.

Boyd's: I suspect they do custom suits here. I also suspect they will start somewhere north of $2,000.

Phillip E. Leon Haberdashery: I was referred to Chris Phillips by a friend. We discussed what I was looking for and he quoted me a recession special price starting at $600. I've scheduled a fitting, so we'll see.

The above-referenced Esquire guide suggests one should expect to pay at least $3,000 for a bespoke suit. Is the ethic at work in Esquire is always highly aspirational, I assume that means its reasonable to spend, what, $1,500? $1,000? The first two on my list would therefore be in that range. Phillip E. Leon's non-recession prices start at $900, which also roughly squares with the suggested price range. (Seth has purchased bespoke suits in China, so the information is not applicable to this evaluation.) About $1,000 sounds reasonable to me and that is what I would like to pay.

Again, I think the target demographic of Esquire is basically the aged 30 to 40 years young professional dandy, oft single, with money to spend and with the habit of admiring nice things just outside what is reasonable for them to spend. And I think that nearly encompasses my situation. Really, its unnecessary for me to purchase a bespoke suit; I own several nice ones I have bought off the rack and had tailored to fit. Its just that I think I should own at least one made to fit. Or several.

To be continued...

List o’ Top Ten Crap

I’m trying to decide if I’ve failed miserably, or succeeded beyond any expectations anyone’s ever had of me. On the one hand I haven’t consumed as much media as I a) usually do, b) claim to or c) technically should do based on my participation on this blog (despite how rarely it is updated), whereas on the other hand, I’ve dedicated time to other worthwhile projects. Suffice to say, I haven’t seen/read/heard/participated in/consumed 10 of any medium that I would list as top. I might have top 10 films I planned on seeing, but never did, but for most of those, you can just see my colleague’s lists because I’ve missed most of those movies.

So, as a result, what follows is a list of 10 things that I would put at number one, or at least in the top five, of a list devoted to each topic. You’ll get it.

10. Film: “UP.” I was reluctant to go see “Up” because I’m so loyal. My favorite movie of 2008 (and yet to be supplanted) was “Wall-E,” and after hearing about how great “Up” is, I was scared I’d like it more than “Wall-E.” Having seen it, I can confirm that I don’t love it as much as “Wall-E,” but I do love it more than anything I can remember seeing this year. It’s beautiful both visually and in its story which is often a balance that a lot of films lack. Runner up: “Zombieland”: Saw it twice in theaters, so that’s got to count for something.

9. Music: Rancid, “Let the Dominoes Fall.” Despite the fact that I try to support the music industry as much as possible, a lot of new releases slipped through my fingertips this year. However, Rancid’s been my favorite band since 5th grade, so I wasn’t going to let this one go. With this album, they dropped the poppy crap from the previous album, and wrote my new favorite Rancid-styled ska tune, and in my opinion wrote a song that actually sounds like they’re from California. Runners up: I actually didn’t love too much that came out this year, but in 2009 I did discover a lot of bands I haven’t listened to previously such as The Loved Ones, The Postal Service, Alkaline Trio, The Ting Tings, and Dead To Me. Also, One Man Army re-emerged as my favorite band. Finally, my band’s first CD came out in 2009….available in stores everywhere!

8. Books: “Harry and Horsie,” Written by Kate van Camp; Illustrated by Lincoln Agnew. This seems like a huge cop out, but my favorite book of 2009 was this children’s picture book. It’s got a very typical “use your imagination and you’re not alone” type of story, which is sweet and all, but the art absolutely blows me away. I’m no art critic, but if I could have a print of every page from this book spread out among the walls on my apartment, I absolutely would. I had a few email exchanges with Mr. Agnew, and he’s a really nice guy. I’m bringing this book with me when I get my next tattoo so that my artist knows what to draw. Runners Up: Both my favorite non-fiction and favorite YA authors, Chuck Klosterman and Barry Lyga respectively, released new books within a week of each other, and I loved them both.

7. Comic: “Blankets” by Craig Thompson. Full disclosure: I don’t really read a lot of comics. I don’t keep up with any of the popular series, and only occasionally read a “lit comic,” all of which would surprise my employer because I’ve been deemed the go to graphic novel guy. This is ok with me because most people that work in the graphic novel field are a lot cooler than those in the general publishing field. Suffice to say, I’m not necessarily behind the times in comics—ok, yeah I am. I was at a conference in Chicago and went to a panel featuring Neil Gaiman, Craig Thompson and…I can’t remember who else. Anyway, Thompson talked about “Blankets” and it totally peaked my interest, so I borrowed it from Pauly to give it a go. If you don’t know, a large part of the story is about a long distance relationship, and I read it on an airplane to China, where I would be arriving and not talking to my girlfriend for two weeks. That sucked. Loved the book though.

6. TV Show: “Chuck.” This is another case where it’s new to me in 2009, but not new to the world. I’m pretty bad at keeping up with new TV. I loved the first three episodes of “Flash Forward” a show that would have been my TV Show pick, but then I went away for a few weeks, and never caught up despite the fact that every episode is still saved on my DVR. However, with “Chuck” I was able to watch the entire first season on Blu-Ray and stay committed through the second season. I even dedicated a few minutes to the “Save Chuck” campaign, and am psyched that it starts back up January 10. “Chuck” is funny, “action-packed,” geeky, and features a really super hot chick that’s often in just her underwear. I’m sold. Runner Up: “30 Rock.”

5. Concert: The Casket Architects at Snapper McGees, Kingston, NY. This was a case of “I don’t love this band’s CDs, but I can probably get in for free and I have nothing else to do, so why the hell not?” Glad I went. The opening bands were fantastic—I particularly recommend Long Island’s own Love Panther—but when the three piece Casket Architects set up their gear and hit their set at 1000 miles per hour, I was blown away. One of the best, tightest and most exciting live bands I’ve ever seen. Runner Up: Flogging Molly with The Aggrolites at Hammerstein Ballroom, NYC. I’ve seen Flogging Molly over 30 times and they’re starting to lose their specialness with me, but the Aggrolites kicked ass.

4. Burger: The Primehouse in NYC. This might be getting away from the pop-culture aspect of the blog and list, but most of us are “foodies” on some level, and I for one have been searching for the best burger of my life for most, if not all of 2009. I think I found it. At The Primhouse, I ordered the “Blue Cheese Burger” which featured a thick, juicy beef patty, melted blue cheese, and the most amazing bacon I’ve ever had (I would actually liken it more to fried sliced pork belly than bacon). Coupled with fries, it might have been the best burger-related dining experience I’ve ever had. Sure, it’s more money than I would spend on a burger if I was paying (this was a business lunch), and because they stop serving burgers after lunch (which ends at 4PM), it’s likely I’ll never have it again, and that adds to the mystique, but as of now, this is the burger to which all others are measured. Runner Up: The Tavern, Croton-on-Hudson, NY. I didn’t discover the Tavern in 2009, but every burger I have there is the best burger I’ve had (besides the Primehouse).

3. Restaurant: Cezari in Bologna, Italy. I’m a Jew from New York, so I’m inherently and Italian food snob. To think my trip to Italy this past March wasn't made 9/10th for food and 1/10th for work would just be wrong, stupid, and frankly irresponsible. In my 9 day trip, three dinners were at Cesari, where I had everything from the typical (ravioli) to the new (artichoke flan). The meals were multi-coursed and each course was top notch. Leaving no detail out, the house wine was amazing, and the after-dinner drink, homemade blueberry grappa had none of the turpentine like quality of other grappas and left me and my bosses literally stumbling back to the hotel. It’s weird to say, but this might be my favorite restaurant in the entire world. Runner Up: Blue Smoke. This, yet again, isn’t a new 2009 discovery, but it might be my favorite restaurant in New York City, and I ate there at least twice this year. I need to make that happen more often.

2. Beer: In a year that featured Seth in Germany, Seth in London and Seth discovering new places to drink loads of different beers in New York City, my favorite new beer of 2009—to probably no one’s surprise—comes from the always reliable Samuel Adams Brewery. Featured in the 2009 Harvest Brews pack, the Sam Adam’s Dunkleweisen is a not too dark fall beer with a gamut of flavors including my favorite: pumpkin. Sadly I couldn’t find this beer available outside the pack, so we’re looking at 16-18 bucks for two bottles, but I’ll be damned if it’s not awesome. Runner Up: Hefeweisen in Germany. Seriously, you order by the type of beer, not the brand. Every time I ordered Hefeweisen or Wheat Beer, it was a good night.

1. I Hate Humanity: Mtv’s “Jersey Shore.” I’ve never seen this show, but having gone to Hofstra University, and with the understanding that the douche bags on this show are those douche bags taken to the next extreme, I don’t feel this is an accident that I need to rubberneck for. And thanks to Chris’s pointing out of this, I feel like I know everything that has happened or will happen in this show. Runners Up: The father in question in this article. A large proportion of the people who commented on this article. Anyone offended by the Oxford American Dictionary’s inclusion of the word “Teabagger.”

Pauly's Best Films of 2009

Divided into my Top 9(take that Top 10 and Top 5 lists!) and some other films I though were great, but not worthy of "Top" status. No list is in any particular order.

Top 9:

Big Fan - This film reminds us that sad, obsessed fans existed before the interwebs. Great film in the tradition of Scorsese's King of Comedy and Taxi Driver.
The Box - This film stirred up a lot of deep, meaning of life, questioning everything thoughts in me. A film that will benefit from many repeat viewings.

A Serious Man - The Book of Job via the Coen Brothers. My jaw dropped after the last two scenes.

Up - Holy crap. Beautiful, beautiful film. Anyone who doesn't love this should expect a punch in the face from me.

Moon - Sam Rockwell, acting opposite Sam Rockwell. Kevin Spacey doing non-shitty work! Multiplicity on the moon.(Not really, but that's how I picture a quote from some TV film critic on the poster if this film was released wider...and if it was a comedy.)

Inglourious Basterds - For years, Hollywood has entertained audiences by killing Nazis on screen. But never like this. Every scene that Colonel Landa is in is simply amazing.

The House of the Devil - Wonderfully tense film. You will never have more fun waiting for something to happen.

Zombieland - I saw this 3 times in the theaters. That is a personal first. Not the greatest zombie movie ever, nor the most faithful to zombiology, yet one of the most fun. Plus, Bill Murray kills in his cameo. (If you haven't seen it yet, fuck you)

Star Trek - A fun popcorn version of Star Trek. Good move on filling the cast with character actors and semi-unknowns.

Other films of note:

Observe and Report - A great riff on Taxi Driver.

Coraline - Beautifully animated, though it dragged a little.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox - This close to making the top 9 into a top ten...this close.

Drag Me To Hell - A slapstick fight with an old woman that also manages to be a little scary. It is strange to see a Sam Raimi horror comedy without Bruce Campbell, though.

The Road - Definitely worth seeing, but not a "great" film.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - Nic Cage. Bat. Shit. Crazy. Also, a fairly subdued and chubby Val Kilmer.

District 9 - The allusions to Apartheid kinda fall apart when the aliens are fucking disgusting and fairly violent right? But an enjoyable sci-fi flick nonetheless.

MTV's Jersey Shore OR This Show Makes Me Too Depressed To Think Of A Clever Title For This Post

I am not sure what I can really say about MTV's new show Jersey Shore that hasn't already been covered by other commentators or the no doubt forthcoming indictment from a U.N. war crimes tribunal.

That being said, I think the most depressing fact about this show is that it is reality television in the strictest sense. Its terrible and exploitative, except the people being exploited don't seem to really care about it beyond the fact that they get to live in a sweet house all summer. These are not young wannabe media products, these are actual human beings who, to the best I can determine, are not exaggerating their behaviors for the cameras. I have been to the Jersey shore (LBI, Sea Isle and a few other locales but not the Seaside Heights featured on the show) and witnessed first hand the horrors that these people inflict upon humanity, indeed, upon the very concept of human civilization. Every time I see a fist being pumped, a little part of me dies.

The horror, the horror. Exterminate the brutes.

Review: Momofuku by David Cheng (with Peter Meehan)

I rarely have use for cookbooks. Traditionally, I prefer to crowdsource a recipe via a Google search and then alter that information as suites my own personal preferences, derived from seven years as a short order cook nee frustrated chef and the de facto Japanese fusion cuisine my grandmother cooked for me as a child. I've long harbored a dream of opening a Japanese/pan-southeast Asian noodle bar in Philly that would not seem out of place in some crowded Singapore alleyway and David Cheng, owner of Noodle Bar (and others) in NYC, has come closest to implementing my dream stateside & so I thought to give his cookbook a try. (Also notable: Thai Singha To Go, here in Philly, but the owner has not yet revealed his secrets to me.) So far, I'm only a few recipes deep but the results are very promising.

DISH ONE - PICKLES

Pre-Momofuku cookbook, and inspired by Q.T. Vietnamese in Philly's Chinatown, I've been running through a bunch of different concepts for banh mi's--basically, Vietnamese ingredients on a French baguette, hoagie-style. (My Indian mango chutney-based one was a particular success.) However, until now I have been unable to find a good pickle recipe and have had to settle for raw vegetables, sauteed or none at all. Chang's quick recipe--hot tap water, rice vinegar, salt and sugar--along with my own addition of peppercorns, ginger and sesame seeds is off the chain.

DISH TWO - XO SAUCE

The recipe said "pungent" and "lasts for months, if not years." Sold. I had no idea what this was before reading about, and even until the very end of the cooking process, wasn't sure what it would turn out like. Made from dried shrimp, dried scallops, Chinese sausage, red chile, ginger and garlic, it is indeed pungent (my apartment reeks despite numerous measures intended to lessen its effects) but delicious. As far as uses, I've come up with quite few: mix it with mayonnaise for ghetto pate, with day old rice and veggies for pseudo-fried rice, with tofu and string beans for an entree & et cetera. It took two and half hours over two days (plus a trip to Chinatown) to make but I think it was worth the effort.

DISH(ES) THREE & FOUR - DASHI STOCK & RAMEN BROTH

This is the only minor let-down I've had so far, but I think that may be my fault. I generally use easy dashi stock as a base for miso soup but the recipe looked simple enough, just seaweed and bonito (dried fish flakes) in hot water, so I gave it a try. I also added some dried shiitake and Chinese straw mushrooms to deepen the flavor profile (umami!). The result came out kind of bland and I think its because I mis-measured amount of bonito, depriving it of its appropriate smokiness. Still, dashi is just stock. I guess I was mostly pissed off that I had spent an hour to get an underwhelming result.

I glanced at Cheng's ramen broth recipes, both of which called for several hours of work and tons of meat. I was in the mood for more of a veggie-based ramen experience, so I mainly took those recipes as inspiration. Starting with the dashi, I added red miso, fresh ginger, tamari, soy sauce and sesame oil for the broth. Then for toppings, egg noodles, bean sprouts, julienne'd carrots and scallions. For my first attempt, I was pretty satisfied but in the future I will probably make some adjustments to the broth (a cube of beef or pork fat would deepen the flavor) and maybe add a fried egg to the toppings.

CONCLUSION

I could not be more satisfied with the Momofuku cookbook. It is well written and entertaining, even if it leaves off information about preparation techniques (which you should know anyway or can Google). The recipes range from the simple--what I've detailed above is representative--to the advance, i.e. molecular gastronomy. I think even with my very basic skill set, it has helped me pull off a few very cool things. I look forward to where it might take me in the future. If you have any interest in pan-Asian cuisine, you would do well to check out this cookbook.

2009: Notable Artistic Achievements

So, some arbitrary preferences I would like to express. I will probably forget some very notable things and be ridiculed for it, as I should.

COMICS
I've had some scarce comic habits this year. I'd like to say I'm getting cooler but it really just that a lot of the writers and artists I enjoyed in the past are taking on commercial gigs that don't interest me. Whence Casanova, Matt Fraction? Like that writer, Grant Morrison has also migrated from exciting projects (The Filth, All Star Superman) to ones slightly less inspiring (Batman & Robin). We did manage a Seaguy follow-up, which is pretty great.

Even Brian K. Vaughn & Tony Harris' otherwise enjoyable series Ex Machina was barely published this year; still, its wrapping up and I like where's its headed.

Also finished: Warren Ellis & John Cassiday's Planetary, which inspired awe to the very end. I am looking forward to the second volume of the Absolute Edition.

Elsewhere, the recent Muppets comics have been really fun. I didn't read many, but what I did captured the manic spirit of the television series perfectly.

BOOKS
My book habits are also problematic. I tend to read a spate of good reviews, pick up the book, and then, let it marinate on the shelf. Still, we're seeing a couple Haroki Murakami translations every year now; After Dark was published in softcover this year and I loved it, so maybe I can fairly include that here. Another paperback cheat or two I can include: Henri Bernard Levi's The Left in Dark Times and Christopher Hitchens' God Is Not Great, which give me hope for the continuing tradition of public intellectuals.

Books published is 2009 I would like to have read but have not yet had the opportunity: 2666, Fareed Zakaria's The Post-American Century, Dambisa Moyo's Dead Aid. (Excerpts from the latter two in Foreign Affairs and the like have given me hope for the new generation of public intellectual, too.) I also look forward to trying out a few recipes from the Momofuku cookbook; xo sauce, here I come.

Books published in previous years which I have read this year: I will not bore you with this list. Let us keep things relevant, yes?

MUSIC
Apple is brilliant. Their iTunes program is the perfect means of generating conspicuous musical consumption. The algorithms they use to generate music recommendations for me have been better than Netflix (movies) or Amazon (everything) at the same task.

So, what are the great releases I've stumbled across? My top eleven, in no particular order:

Them Crooked Vultures, Them Crooked Vultures (John Paul Jones + Josh Homme + Dave Grohl)

*Langhorne Slim, Be Set Free (not even close to tired of the shtick yet... and he's a local boy!)

*The Mountain Goats, The Life of the World to Come (contains some of the best song writing of his career)

Jay Farrar & Ben Gibbard, One Fast Move Or I'm Gone (evokes Kerouac perfectly)

*Beirut, March of the Zapotec (more interesting musical explorations)

Avett Brothers, I And Love And You (the first time I heard the title track on WXPN I sat in my car until the very end)

*Blk Jks, After Robots (thanks for "discovering" these guys Diplo!)

*A.A. Bondy, When The Devil's Loose (bad ass wordsmith in the mold of Tom Waits/Leonard Cohen/etc.)

Kanye West, Welcome to Heartbreak (you're just tired of Kanye's antics, don't dis the album, too)

Mos Def, The Ecstatic (we're agreed that Mos is a legitimate hip hop genius, right?)

TV on the Radio, Dear Science (ditto these guys for, what might you call this, prog rock?)

The Flaming Lips, Embryonic (nearly as good as Yoshimi and with some individual tracks I like even better than anything on that earlier album)

Honorable mention for re-releases:

Death, ...For The Whole World To See (MC5-esque hotness)
Fela Kuti, The Best of the Black President (best Fela Kuti compilation I've come across)

(* Denotes live performance seen in this calendar year.)

MOVIES
I will definitely forget many that merit a mention but I will make an effort.

Big Fan (Patton Oswalt acted the shit out of this Taxi Driver-riff)
Antichrist (see below)
Bronson (see below)
Where the Wild Things Are (see below)
Inglorious Basterds (Tarantino's best movie yet--the Platonic ideal of one of his films)
Ong Bak 2 (see below)
The Road (bleak and beautiful)
The Box (better than Donnie Darko and very promising for Richard Kelly's filmmaking future)

That was eight. Pauly will no doubt have a few to supplement this poor showing.

Some movies I have seen recently...

So, Pauly goes and promises to THE WHOLE DAMN INTERNETS that we'll be posting every day this month then the bastard goes and gets married--like being knee-deep in hot, hot marital bliss will give him time to contribute. I've been slowly dying inside at my job, so I haven't had much time to construct a series of themed entries like last year. Instead, I will be presenting you with the following hastily-compiled reviews of films I have seen recently.

ANTICHRIST (dir. Lars von Triers)

This is my first von Triers film, so I cannot comment on how it contributes to themes of misogyny or whatever it is the intelligentsia have decided the talking points on this should be. I do know, however, that I saw something terrible and beautiful and revolting and thought-provoking, often all at once.

BRONSON (dir. Nicholas Refn)

I think I first heard about this from the trailer, which does not promise anything the film cannot deliver. If you enjoy a little of the ol' unltraviolence, this is a film for you. Brutal, hilarious and a great "that was awesome!" film to sit back and enjoy. I'll definitely be seeking out the director's Pusher trilogy after seeing this.

GOOD HAIR (dir. Jeff Stilson, produced by Chris Rock)

I went to see this with my girlfriend. I've long known about some of the issues surrounding black hair--I remember being struck in college by the knowledge that the first African-American millionaire was a woman selling hair product & the passage in The Autobiography of Malcolm X about the first time he relaxes his hair is rather memorable-- but this goes well beyond that. Still, I basically agree with the criticisms that far too much time was spent at the hair show in Atlanta, which is mostly spectacle, and that time could have been better spent exploring some of the issues in detail.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (dir. Spike Jonze)

Again, I think I will agree with the majority of the critics. While I loved the film--the acting, the production design, the story were all near perfect--I'm not sure its a film for kids as much as a film about being a kid, which is a pretty big difference. E.g. the little girl, 6 or 7 or so, sitting down the row from me who was bored senseless by it while her early-30s yippie mom ate it all up.

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS (dir. Grant Heslov)

Amusing but complete fluff. On the continuum of ironic, self-aware modern war films this is a lot closer to something like Lord Of War than it is to Three Kings in terms of re-watchability. I'm not sure what the underlying message is meant to be but you get a few amusing set-pieces here and there. Unless you're dead set on seeing it immediately, you can probably wait to see this on HBO.

TOWELHEAD (dir. Alan Ball)

I thought this was a very strong film, which could have been better if it dealt with its themes less heavy-handedly. But, Ball always has a tendency to be a bit on the nose. Expect exactly what you're expecting from him: the sexualization of young women; men with odd, affectless voices; & undermining the existence of the "American dream."

ONG BAK 2 (dir. Tony Jaa)

If you've seen the original Ong Bak, The Protector or Chocolate you know that you're in for some really awesome fight sequences. (Also, elephants.) But, what you don't know, is that Tony Jaa also directs this one and he is completely out of his gourd. Its all very Sam-Raimi-directs-a-Thai-martial-arts-film. The story is borderline indecipherable but pay no mind to that fact; the fights will explode your head with their sheer awesomeness.

Review: ZOMBIELAND

Zombieland is an incredibly fun zombie comedy, or "zom com" if you will. I had the opportunity to catch an advance screening this past Tuesday, and it was well worth the hour and a half wait in line.

First off, its worth noting that these are not zombies in the traditional sense. For one thing, they run. Yes, this has been done in other films, but there is a distinction made here. It's stated by the narrator that the virus that creates the zombies is an "advanced strain of Mad Cow disease that leaves victims with a swollen brain, insane, and with an intense hunger." Not once is it stated or shown in the film that anyone has risen from the dead. Therefore, we are dealing with infected people, not zombies in the Romero/Brooks sense.*

However, it must be said that in a real world situation, if one is faced with creatures that display most if not all characteristics of a monster in the popular culture lexicon, then you might name said creature after a popular monster. Thus, the infected in this film are referred to as zombies. This is actually a strength in Zombieland, in that the survivors have come to terms with their new world. By naming these creatures "zombies", they're actually establishing a sort of dominance over them, in the way that man has named all animals that he has found. Zombieland also stands out amongst other zombie/infected movies in that the "Zed word" is actually said.

This is also the first upbeat zombie film. While a comedy, like Shaun of the Dead, this film doesn't play with the same stakes. Its a bit more cartoony and doesn't have to deal with the issues of shooting your zombie mother, or leaving your best friend to die. Zombieland takes place after all of that. As I mentioned earlier, most of these characters have come to terms with the world they live in. They know that just about everyone else is dead. In the end, it celebrates the fact that these four characters have found each other, and maybe that's enough in their world.

* The risen dead that crave flesh although they have no scientific need for it, as defined by George A. Romero and Max Brooks. While straying from Romero/Brooks zombies may discourage, and even enrage my colleague in zombiology, Dr. Giacomo Kmet, I encourage him to check out this film.

Horror of Dracula/Dracula Has Risen From the Grave/Taste the Blood of Dracula/Dracula A.D. 1972

A year ago, things were much better for horror fans. Not all horror fans, mind you, but those who had cable providers that carried MONSTERS HD? They were living the sweet life*, brother.

Monsters HD gave you 24 hours, 7 days a week of uncensored, uncut, no commercial interruptions classic horror and sci-fi. Through this glorious channel, I caught up on some Friday the 13th, a little bit of Nightmare on Elm Street, and most importantly, I was exposed to the glory of the Hammer Horror films. Sadly, Monsters HD is no longer with us, so I now have to supply my own horror programming via DVD. It was so much easier when I could just turn to channel 777 and know that something great would be on, but oh well.

Anyway, craving some Christopher Lee/Peter Cushing showdowns, I picked up a DVD set from Amazon that features four of Hammer's Dracula films: Horror of Dracula, Dracula Has Risen From the Grave, Taste the Blood of Dracula, and Dracula A.D. 1972.

Chris reviewed Horror of Dracula last year, so I'll touch upon it briefly to note that it sets up a pattern that these other films follow: Someone wrongs Dracula, Dracula pursues his revenge, Dracula achieves reasonable revenge but wants more, Dracula gets taken the fuck out. This is the cycle that repeats itself just about every time and Dracula never learns. In fact, he almost never seems to remember that any of this has happened before. He just wakes up pissed off, seduces some broads, offs some stuffy old guy, then meets his end by the hand of the handsome young fiancee.(Or Van Helsing, who is rather spry in their first battle in Horror of Dracula. Check out the scene where he jumps and pulls down the curtains.)

Lee's Dracula isn't particularly charming. He can hypnotize the ladies, but isn't interested in the vampire stable of hoes like most Draculas. Again, there is a pattern. He usually will get a brunette or redhead and then a blonde. He quickly uses and murders the brunette/redhead because the blonde is his ultimate goal. The only other Dracula that gets this close to monogamy is Gary Oldman in Coppola's Dracula, but that is a deep Dracula. This Dracula is just trying to get into the blonde's panties for revenge, usually against some old guy who looked at him the wrong way.

When taking his revenge, he's a bit of a dick, and when attacked, he's a red-eyed wild animal. This is a Dracula who in almost every final battle, throws shit. He throws shit. He goes from Dracula to the Hulk the first second shit don't go his way.

I haven't seen all of the Hammer Dracula films, but I'd like to know how he got so focused on the constant revenge seeking. The next time he comes back, he needs some time to reflect, cause Christopher Lee's Dracula is one miserable fuck.

* As in things were good, sweet life, not "Suite Life of Zack and Cody" sweet life.

31 + Days of Halloween Starting this weekend!

Wow...been awhile since any of us have posted on here.

Well, to jump start things, I issue a challenge to my 822 colleagues to create content almost every day for the next month or so in celebration of one of our favorite holidays, Halloween!

I mean, if the stores can have Halloween costumes out in August, why can't we start blogging about it a little early?

So, starting this weekend, I'll pop in some Halloween movies and have my take on them by Sunday.

Glove slap, 822. Let's write about some vampires, zombies, slashers, and Dr. Freudstein.

The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be...for 2008

Technically, my title is inaccurate. A few years down the line, some of the things I mention won't age well, but who cares? I just felt like a Bret Hart shout-out in my title.

Anyway, this may be a little late in terms of "best-of" lists, but in many cases, most people don't get around to seeing the best stuff of a year until the new one starts.

Thus, I begin:

Music:

I don't really follow music too much, most of what I get is from movie soundtracks, but anyway, here's what I dug this year:

"Roar" - Michael Giacchino, the Cloverfield end credits. Michael Giacchino is someone I've only recently discovered, through Cloverfield and Lost, and his shit is epic. This guy could make doing a grocery list sound important. "Roar" reminds you that what you just saw was a GIANT FUCKING MONSTER movie, not just a deconstruction of the genre. 

"Flight of the Conchords" - Flight of the Conchords. The show is hilarious, the songs are toe-tappingly good. (This guest review done by Larry King)

"Volume One" - She & Him. Folksy? Is that how I describe this? 

And my best album of 2008, is, guess what? Something I didn't buy til 2009:

"Batman: The Animated Series Soundtrack" - Shirley Walker. This was put out in a very limited release by LaLa Land Records. If you're a fan of the show, it's a must have. 

Books: 

I'm not sure what I read this year that actually came out this year. 

But I'm pretty sure I read a lot of older stuff. Here's three books that I remember:

Eat this, Not that - The twist is, the fishwich is more unhealthy than the McNuggets...and the butler did it.

The Omnivore's Dilemma - I really don't feel like looking up the author's name. But he taught me that corn is IN FUCKING EVERYTHING. You are corn.

The Great Derangement - Matt Taibbi. There are equally crazy people on the right and the left and everyone in between is fucked because of it.

Comics: 

Don't these belong with books, you ask? Fuck you. They're comics.

Captain America & Daredevil - Ed Brubaker w/ Steve Epting & Michael Lark, respectively

No, there isn't some glorious Captain America and Daredevil team up book. But Ed Brubaker is rocking my socks off with Cap, and while his Daredevil isn't too different from what has come before, it's executed well.

Booster Gold - Geoff Johns w/ Dan Jurgeons

Just a straight up fun comic. It also serves as a history lesson for the DC Universe. Oh, and time travel, evil counterparts, and did I mention time travel?

Criminal - Ed Brubaker w/ Sean Phillips

As I eventually give up buying monthly comics and exclusively buy trades, I will continue to pick this up each month its published, as it's got a ton of great extras each issue. Essays on noir from the authors as well as guests like Patton Oswalt. 

Deadpool - Daniel Way w/ Paco Medina

I loves me some Deadpool. Fox is getting my 12 bucks because they put him in the Wolverine movie. And Deadpool has his own comic again. And it's actually good...and hilarious. 

Television: 

I discovered Lost, The Wire, and Deadwood this past year. Television doesn't get much better. Burn Notice and Chuck provide some fun spy action without getting too deep. Fringe started out leaving me wanting The X-Files to come back(although not like it did this summer), but it quickly became a favorite new show. And Heroes sucked balls.

Movies:

In no particular order: Wall-E, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Hellboy 2, Redbelt, The Wrestler, The Fall, Tropic Thunder, Snow Angels

I love these films. Each is amazing in their own way, but looking at this list, The Fall, The Wrestler, and Redbelt would be a great triple feature. I'll probably do a more in-depth look at The Wrestler after I see it again, but I consider all of these "must sees," and as Gene Shallit would say while holding a basket of eggs, "Eggcellent."

Genetic Altering of Dewbacks: Unethical or Unavoidable

For centuries the moisture farmers and hunters of the desolate desert planet Tatooine have domesticated the large reptilian beast of burden known as the Dewback and now they want to take a drastic measure and clone, then genetically alter the animal. The Dewbacks earned their name by getting moisture by licking the dew that had formed of each others’ backs in the morning. If only it were this easy for the moisture farmers of this arid land to collect their crop. These days the water seems to be, for lack of a better phrase, drying up! The planet’s average temperature has risen a drastic 1.5° over the past decade.

The 1.5° increase in temperature has caused an issue that effects more than just the moisture farmers. The Dewback, which is the one of the few animals that can survive in the harsh climate of the planet, are starting to lessen in number. The Galactic Non-Sentient Protection Agency has not designated Dewbacks as a threatened species. These beasts travel to the Jundland Wastes, where the sands are the ideal temperature to lay their eggs, once a year for mating season. The species has done this journey for so long and it has become so engrained in their genetics, that it is near impossible to breed a Dewback in captivity. Over this past decade the number of newborn Dewbacks has dropped a significant 5% and is believed to grow exponentially over this next decade. Because of this decrease and the planets dependency on the animal, scientists speculate that cloning the species may need to begin within the decade.

Owners of Dewbacks have other concerns about their Dewbacks and are voicing their opinions to the scientists researching and advocating the cloning of the species. Doc Breetel is a young human gem hunter who resides just outside Anchorhead. “Every year I lose my Dewback, Vernil, for about five weeks during mating season. I can’t be walking around the wastelands hunting for precious stones on foot. If they’re going to clone these things, they could at least find a way to deal with this problem,” he says. Many people rely upon Dewbacks as simple desert transportation and assisting them in their daily business, ranging from the moisture farmers, to local construction companies using them to haul equipment across town. All of these Dewback owners lose their animal for several weeks during mating season, stalling business until they return. Why do they let the Dewback go away? Ask ex-Republic gunner Remmie Dextin. “We had just bought a Dewback for my friend’s dad’s used transport lot to haul scrap metal around. Mating season rolled around and we still had some work to do, so we tried to keep the Dewback in his pen. Bad idea. The thing broke through the fence and knocked me over, damaging my leg beyond repair.” And the solution to the mating season problem is very simple. When the animal is cloned they can be genetically altered and turned asexual. However, the Galactic Non-Sentient Protection Agency still claims that it is unethical to turn such a reproduction-oriented animal asexual.

The idea of neutering the Dewbacks has been discussed much in the past years. The animal’s tough hide and poor healing ability make operating more pain than it’s worth. The animal’s reproductive organs also lie very close to several important nerve clusters which, if even slightly nicked, would severely damage the Dewback’s nervous system. Not only that, but the size and genes of the Dewback make it immune to any legal tranquilizers. There have been several illegal neuterings done recently, but in the end have left the Dewback unable to work at the same capacity it did before the operation due to damage done to the nervous system.

The Dewback owners on Tatooine would be very grateful to have an animal that does not disappear for weeks (up to two and a half months depending on the distance to the Jundland Wastes) once a year. However, until the GNSPA allow the altering of genes on cloned animals, individuals like Doc Breetel will have to continue to manage with the Dewback mating season like the residents of Tatooine have for centuries.