Unpleasant Surprise

There’s one ritual that always pretenses a weekend that contains no major plans, and that is the weekly movie check. Usually around midmorning on any given Friday, I’ll check Fandango just to see if it’ll be one of those “oh yeah, I forgot that was coming out!” moments, or, like this week, one of those “I’m less surprised by a movie that I forgot was coming out so soon, and more surprised by the very amount of total crap that they fund.”

This morning’s trip to Fandango showed me the following results for the theater near me (which is most likely typical of any theater not privately owned, that would show your basic widely released movies):

How She Move new!
Meet the Spartans new!
Rambo new!
Untraceable new!

Just the third weekend into 2008, and we’re already beginning to fill the yearly quota of stereotypes (and, all in one weekend!). Allow me to explain*:

“How She Move” is one of those MTV produced gems about attractive and talented people that either a) face some sort of adversity, b) must practice said talent in private, c) must use said talent to compete in some sort of street competition, or d) all of the above. Wild guess: it’s a d. I know these movies have their audience, and I know I’m not among them, but enough with the dancing based non-musicals!

“Meet the Spartans” is a new parody along the lines of “Scary Movie,” but is so far removed from the originality that was the first “Scary Movie” that now its just a joke. At least they changed the name from “(Genre) Movie,” or “Not Another (Genre) Movie.” Eventually they would have run out of ideas and just called it “Parody Movie.”** No, this is one of those movies that claim to be spoofing a genre, but instead is just a poorly executed parody of anything popular at the moment. Thankfully, movies like this only have a shelf life of about a month before they disappear into obscurity and onto the $5.99 previously viewed for sale rack at Blockbuster.

“Rambo” is Sly trying to capitalize on the success of “Rocky Balboa,” which was essentially Sly trying to capitalize on the success of his past, because at this point in his career, people actually appreciate him less than they ironically appreciate his brother, Frank. Some actors age and grow into new roles and find success in other ways than just playing the only characters anyone knows them for from 25 years ago. Sly seems to have been unable to do that. Shame.

From what I can tell, “Untraceable” is trying to portray the fact that the American public is obsessed with violence. They are, from what I can tell of the plot of the movie, so enamored with violence that they will watch violence even if it means killing someone. A noble message yes, but one that is lost in a movie that is just another violent movie, capitalizing on the public’s love of violence. Turns out, its just a hypocritical message. At least the “Saw” franchise isn’t on its high horse about it: people like gross, they deliver gross.

Once upon a time, any one of these movies might have been original. But it’s not that once upon a time any more. If a studio is going to fund shit, they should at least try and disguise that shit as something less contrived and obvious.

*These descriptions are based on my buying into the stereotypes that I believe these movies are trying to sell. On principle, I have no desire to see any of these films, and while I’d be incredibly surprised if my analysis on any was wrong, I invite you to challenge me (as long as you’re paying).

**Which is actually pretty clever when you think about it. Especially if it was a serious movie about the trials and tribulations that come with the failures of all of those shitty parody movies.