Ford vs. Ford

Rocky vs. Apollo. Rocky vs. Thunderlips. Rocky vs. Clubber.

In all of literature and film and history there have been many battles between good and evil, as noted above. However, it is rarely questioned who would win in a battle between good and potentially gooder. Take for example a battle between Washington and Lincoln (not physical battle, unless we have zombie Washington versus zombie Lincoln and at that point it's just absurd). Both excellent presidents who helped make this country, but which is the potentially gooder one? Let us save this for another time and examine a much more important comparison. Han Solo versus Indiana Jones. Two Harrison Fords going head to head in several important categories, ultimately deciding which Harrison is superior. Let us begin.

Every person is born, usually.
Han Solo was an orphan, never knowing who exactly his parents were. However, during his early years he was raised by a female Wookie according to my Han Solo Trilogy Biography (HSTB). Indiana Jones was born from the semen of William Forrester himself, Sean Connery, and some chick. Probably Pussy Galore. Point to Indy, I guess.

Company KeptIf you hang out with a 10 year old Asian boy, they're gonna talk. However, if you're sensible, you'll have a Wookie owing you a life debt and no one will be quick to fuck with you. So a point to Solo? Not so fast. He also made the mistake of becoming friends with a cape-wearing jackass. This 'friend' gave Han up to save himself from those Empire bastards. Yes, in the end he wears a helmet with fangs and stands around a lot during Han's rescue, but that doesn't revoke his traitor status. So it's still Wookie against Asian boy... but the Asian boy who played Data in The Goonies. Plus, Indy's pal Sallah, not only rocked in two Indiana Jones films, but also destroyed several hundred Orcs and 'slided' in many different dimensions with Jerry O'Connell. Point Indy.


Laying the Metaphorical CarpetIn each Indiana Jones film, we find the charming hero taking a different woman to bed, including one that his father made the beast with two backs with. Gross. Minus one point. According to HSTB Han has had several love interests. He's banged an older musician. Awesome. And his first real love is one of the people who died so that the Rebels could have the blueprints for the Death Star. Hot. He saves his future wife mainly because he knows she's got money. Clever. Point to Han, no doubt.

Sharp Dressed Man
ZZ Top rocks and so does a sweet ensemble. Leather jacket, fedora, whip, and khakis. Indy's kinda like a cartoon character. Same clothes, except for a suit and undercover Egyptian digger (who looks like an American) outfit. Han Solo understands fashion and climate. He's on the desert planet of Tatooine so he has a vest. He's on the ice planet Hoth, so he keeps the same look, but now sports a long sleeve version of his earlier outfit. Then let's say he makes his way to a forest planet on a secret mission. Camouflage jacket over that same old outfit. Solo's clothes may be as reused as Indy's but he knows how to keep it interesting and much more sensible. Point to Solo.


Putting the Evil Inside HimThere is only one way to decide which of these Fords fought more formidable foes... compare Hitler and his Nazis to Darth Vader and his Stormtroopers. They're the same thing. Solo was also hunted by bounty hunters, so I'm going to give him that point. Then again, he did get caught. Point to no one.

How You Kill Makes the Man
It's not just a matter of blaster against whip (which I'm sure many of you simple people would think to be the easiest solution). Using only those two weapons as a basis, its clear that the blaster would come out on top. Wrong. Think about it. Indy has 'killed' using the old flag pole to motorcycle trick and letting the hot blonde he banged fall to her death. Most importantly, Indy knowingly let a German mechanic be hacked to death by a propeller. Bad ass, clever, hilarious, etc.. Two points to Indy.


And so the score is 4-2, Indy victorious. However, unlike HSTB, the several pieces of literature which recount Indy's adventures overlapped several times in the grand timeline. Because of these discrepancies, I must come to the conclusion that the Indiana Jones films are not true accounts of his adventures, but possibly exaggerated tales of what actually occurred. Therefore, my results are inconclusive. I apologize. If you have any information pertaining to non-fictional literature on Indiana Jones, please contact me so that I may finally once and for all make an educated decision as to which man is the better man.