Building a Film Universe

As a lifelong comic book fan, I've always enjoyed the shared universes that were created by Marvel and DC. The best thing was that in any given Spider-Man comic, any member of the Marvel Universe could show up, whether in a starring role or just in a cameo. You might see an issue where he teams up with the Punsiher, when all of the sudden in the background, you see Bruce Banner walking along pondering his troublesome existence as the Hulk. Plus you would get a footnote telling you to buy the latest issue of The Incredible Hulk to see why Dr. Bruce Banner was in New York this month.

Since comic book films gained popularity 8 years ago with the release of X-Men, many fans have been clamoring for interconnectivity between the films. It seems like it would be easy for DC characters since all their films are put out by Warner Brothers, but nothing has come of that yet. Not even the slightest hint that either exists in each other's world. Maybe they mentioned Metropolis in Batman Forever, but that's about it. Spider-Man and Ghost Rider were both put out by Sony and no connections were made there. Brian Cox's X2 character made his way into a photograph in Fantastic Four and Elektra spun off from Daredevil, but these were a far cry from any real suggestion that these characters existed on the same planet let alone the same universe. Daredevil couldn't even mention the Daily Bugle because it was a Fox movie and Sony had any Daily Bugle rights because of Spider-Man.

Sure, Marvel was making a ton of money licensing these movies, but they lacked in creative control and didn't have the option of linking the properties because none of the studios would want to give up any of "their" characters. Now, with Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk, Marvel is bringing the Marvel Universe to the big screen. Nick Fury cameos at the end of Iron Man and Tony Stark is supposed to pop up in the new Hulk film along with Captain America's Super Soldier serum. What Marvel is doing is building what could potentially be the biggest film franchise ever. If all of these films are considered part of one gigantic story, they can put out any number of sequels per year, featuring different characters, with little nods and cameos that place each film in the larger universe. Eventually if it grows enough, Fox and Sony might want to let the X-Men, Fantastic Four, and Spider-Man play too. Imagine a film where every Marvel hero teams up to take on a gigantic space god in purple helmeted Galactus instead of a shitty cloud! I would need a new pair of pants for every frame of film. 

P.S. Fuck Blade and Ghost Rider. They can keep to their mopey, supernatural selves. Unless they show up in a Dr. Strange movie. Then that might be pretty cool.*

*If they recast both parts.

What place does the media have in the zombie apocalypse?

When faced with the impending doom of mass death and destruction courtesy of nigh-unstoppable un-dead armies, one would hope that you could turn on your television and get useful information on stopping the zombie hoards at your door from your local newscast. However, in most cases, they only seem all too willing to help the government or corporation responsible to cover things up. 

We could go on for ages as for the why of this situation. Obviously the media is controlled by corporations, and if one of these companies is at least partly responsible for the death of millions, they're going to want to do some damage control. And if it's the government's fault, again, the media is more likely to roll over than to stand up and expose the situation. Despite the likely collapse of society and government, they still won't bet against the house. 

So, how do we make use of the media in such a situation? What good are they to us if they are going to lie, straight faced while we die? The trick is to look for the warning signs. They will never outright state that the dead are coming back to life to eat the flesh of the living. No, that's out of the question. Instead, you have to listen for rabies outbreaks, quarantines of buildings, neighborhoods or other public places, or most importantly, if Entertainment Tonight wishes a Happy Birthday to Bea Arthur on any day other than May 13th. Memorize that. If you hear Mary Hart wish a Happy Birthday to Bea Arthur on December 3rd, February 22nd, any date that is not the 13th of May, that means the zombie apocalypse is imminent. This is a code word for the media elite. It means that they have to get to their designated bunkers while look-alikes will replace them in the public eye. Now you can utilize their code as well. You won't be protected underground under 200 feet of concrete, but you'll have time to do the best you can in the situation.

Now, you may be wondering, what about the internet? Everyone's got a camera these days, won't the truth be exposed this way? Won't we be able to stop the zombie infection before it spreads? No. No we will not. It's like the boy who cried wolf times a million. The internet has given every douche out there a voice, therefore any attempts at telling any kind of "truth" can be discounted by the powers that be. There will be those that will listen, but it won't be enough to matter. 

What have we learned? That we can't trust mainstream media, and independent online media can't be relied upon to save the day either. So what can we do against the waves upon waves of the undead? If no one will believe it is happening or figure out how to effectively survive before it's too late, then what hope does anyone have? This expert zombiologist doesn't have these answers for you. I can only pose questions and hope you'll put some of this information towards your own survival.

Paul DeKams is an accredited Doctor* of Zombiology. He is sequestered away in his zombie proof compound somewhere on Long Island with enough food and bibles to get him through at least 3 zombie apocalypses...that is, if he goes easy on the bibles. 

* Witch Doctor & Scientific Doctor, to cover instances of zombies caused by the supernatural or science, respectively. 

On Cooking: The Eat-fold Path

As some of the more astute readers* may have noticed, on the sidebar you'll find a link to my recipe blog, The Boat & Bridal Expo. Cooking is one of my favorite activities and not simply because I love food--though, as a former fat kid, I probably love food too much--but because of the meditative nature of the act.

Preparing meals is an intensely personal experience at every stage. At the market, you buy the foods that interest you. When you get home, you reflect on what you have available and decide what to make. As you cook, you add the ingredients you desire and season them to your own Platonic ideal of perfection. While you eat, you determine the setting to enjoy it in. In effect, you are romancing your palette.

By contrast, when you go out to eat you rely upon a series of decisions made by unknown individuals. Certainly, you have control over where you eat and what you order but your other options are limited. While some establishments may give you a say in how the food is prepared (e.g. grilled vs. baked), it is generally frowned upon to second guess the choices of the chef--who himself is preparing the meal based upon his own biased and the inherited culinary biases of the chefs who trained him. Essentially, your free will comes into play only at the stage where you salt and pepper your meal.

That is not to say that I do not enjoy going to a restaurant occasionally or that I will refuse to eat a meal cooked by someone else. Its good to experience something outside oneself in order to gain some perspective. For instance, I have never liked baked beans until I ate some at a barbecue held by Pauly--in the short time since, I have cooked them myself twice.** However, taken to the extreme, a life of eating meals only prepared by other people deprives you of valuable self knowledge; you are allowing others to define your tastes.

* I assume the imbeciles who read this blog were accidentally led here after googling "Dane Cook."

** Both recipes can be found by following the link above.

Trying to Achieve Wii Fitness

In my 24 years of life, I've had few brief periods with regular exercise. Through elementary and middle school I played soccer every fall(which I maintain is responsible for my awesome calves today), in high school I would opt for the weight room over other activities(because I hated almost everyone doing the other stuff) and while working at Waldbaums I occasionally worked in the stock room, doing some heavy lifting. Plus I made a few attempts at going to the gym during college, but nothing really ever stuck. I could never get into the routine. There was always an excuse: too tired, too hungover, A-Team episode I haven't seen, Rocky marathon, or having to return some videotapes. 

Recently though, I've been thinking a lot more about being healthy. While I was never "obese" (Fat rolls everywhere, ex. The Blob, Jabba the Hut, Mamma Cass), I've always been pretty fat. (Gut, man boobs, enjoyment of snack cakes) In January, I weighed in at the most I've ever weighed: 264.5 pounds. I was weighing in for the "Fat Bastard" contest at work, and while I was at first joining in for fun, when I saw that weight, I had some serious motivation to lose it. I heard the Rocky music in my head and the first thing I would do when I got home is exercise. Within a few hours, that motivation was gone. But then I happened upon the "Belly Off" diet on the Men's Health website. I'm not going to go into details, but it encourages you to eat beer and steak, and I was down with that. It got me into a better eating habit, and over the course of three months, I lost 32 pounds. 

Then I kinda fell into a month long celebration of losing that weight. A few extra burgers here and there, and then I became an addict for three weeks. To Archer Farms Kettle Chips. These are delicous. Flavors like Buffalo, Spicy, Wasabi Mustard, Sweet Onion, I could not get enough of these. I wouldn't kill a man to eat these chips, but I might torture his family while he watched. But then, like an angel from the heavens, Wii Fit came down to aid me in my weight loss motivation. It arrived two weeks ago, and I've started losing weight again.

Now, the way Wii Fit works, is it gets you active and makes you feel like a fat piece of shit. It's like a personal trainer, only without the person. Which is great for me, since I'm slightly agoraphobic and like to avoid personal contact when possible. Also, I don't have to deal with that guy at the gym who looks like Triple H and grunts loudly with every rep. Anyway, back to Wii Fit and the angry scale that yells at me. "Angry scale?" you might ask. The balance board, which you use for the most of the game, also has an animated counterpart to help motivate you onscreen. It administers your body tests and then grills you on what happened if you gain any weight. Today, it seriously warned me before weighing in if I gained any weight. It said "The last two times you gained weight, you said it was from eating too much, Pauly, let's not have that happen again." And that shit was seriously in bold. Every day I get on that scale is a day I don't want to be yelled at by the animated persona of said scale. It has inspired me to lose weight with fear. The only way it could be more effective is if it gave me an electric shock every time I gained weight. That's probably how the Japanese version works. *

*Because they're crazy**

**Opinion based on viewing of Japanese game shows***

***Also based on article I read where the author bought a used pair of girl's panties from a vending machine in Japan.

P.S. I haven't beaten my kettle chip addiction, but I have lessened my portions. Also, current weight is 223.

Tatooine: A Post-Empire Economic Forecast

The Organa administration of the New Republic faces many economic challenges in the coming years as it attempts to repair the economic damage done by the recently-collapsed Galactic Empire of Emperor Palpatine. Despite being able to combine resource wealth from a wide range of planets, the Empire was rife with economic malfeasance: massive weapons systems (two planet-sized battlestations), military contracters (bounty hunters and payments to local militias to fight the Rebels) and high-priced consultants (Darth Vader, the Emperor's "fixer"). It remains true that the Empire made investments in territories under their control, but the vast majority of these funds went to planets in the Galactic Core, located near the Empire's capitol on Coruscant. Located in the Outer Rim, Tatooine was not the beneficiary of any of this government largesse; while some planets joined the Empire for the collective economic benefits, it is clear that this planet was one of the many who joined under duress from threat of invasion.

Here, I will examine the various problems and possible solutions for the desert planet of Tatooine. First, extraplanetary investment is necessary to revive the economy due to the lack of local capital and expertise. Second, bantha farming is due for a boom in coming years. Third, tariffs must be elminiated throughout the Republic in order to allow Tatooinese markets to become more competitive. If this three-part formula is followed, while it is unlikely that Tatooine will ever become a tourist mecca or major population center, it will be possible to significantly raise the standard of living here within a decade.

Let me begin by conveying some of the basics. Tatooine, as noted, is a desert planet located in the Outer Rim Territories. It is populated by three principle indigenous groups: humans & related humanoid bipeds, though most of the current population of this group are settlers from other planets; jawas, who possess technical expertise and carry on trade with other groups, but generally prefer to remain within their own enclaves; and finally, tuskens or sand people, nomadic peoples with a somewhat antagonistic relationship to the other two groups. Its official language is a local dialect of Basic, but anyone doing business on this planet would be well-advised to learn Huttese, the lingua franca of commerce here. Like most former members of the Galactic Empire, local currency has been phased out almost entirely and they deal in credits. However, bartering remains significant in day-to-day affairs.

The outlook for extraplanetary investment in coming years is relatively good. During the Empire years, not only was Tatooine neglected due to its location, it also was affected by xenophobia; it is well-known that non-humanoids rarely achieved positions of significant power in the Galactic hierarchy and planets with large non-humanoid populations were regularly discriminated against. The Organa administration, in contrast, promises a much better inter-species relationship. Going back even before the Empire, the principle players in this government have had friendly dealings with a wide range of non-humanoids: Gungans, Wookies, Ewoks, Mon Calamari and others. Luke Skywalker, brother to Madam President and a hero of the Rebellion, was raised on a moisture farm here. Captain Han Solo, allegedly Madam President's lover, is reputed to have done business on the planet many times in the past. (The exact details remain classified and the government has denied multiple requests to look further into the matter.) The only possible reason to worry on this front is the blantant cronyism behind the appointment of the new head of GEMA (Galactic Economic Management Association), Jar Jar Binks, who lacks any prior experience as an economist. Investors have in the past been scared off by frequent raids by tuskens, who have been known to attack outsiders without provocation. In any case, domestic industry on Tatooine is scarce and they simply do not have the resources required to fully develop their economy themselves. Extraplanetary investment will be absolutely necessary in order to accomplish any significant economic progress.

The most promising domestic industry on Tatooine is bantha farming. However, there are some problems of supply and infrastructure which must be confronted before they can proceed to exploit this resource. Banthas are primarily cultivated by the tuskens and attempts by outsiders to work with these reclusive peoples in order to develop greater stocks have thus far been unsuccessful. Jawas have made some progress in better relations with the tuskens, but tuskens tend to be fickle and not hold to their agreements. Thus, the supply is essentially static and will be unable to meet a rise in demand for the meat. Some enterprising pied noir moisture farmers have turned to raising bantha stocks in an industrial setting, but tusken organically-raised bantha meat is clearly preferred within the market. It is difficult to pinpoint the reason for this, but most sources indicate that older segments of the galactic population are wary of industrial agriculture bioengineering following the debacle of the Clone Wars. There are also reports of health risks from eating meat from banthas raised on a diet of blue milk, rather than their natural diet. As to infrastructure, Tatooine lacks airstrips to accommodate the larger cargo ships (generally, Mon Calamari Cruisers or Corellian Corvettes retrofitted with refrigeration units). Currently, smaller ships must ferry the meat from the ground to the ships in geosynchronous orbit around the planet but insurance costs act as an impediment to further development. (When it was revealed that the second Death Star was blown up due to a disruption of the shield system located on Endor, galactic insurance agencies mandated that policies would be required on the ship in orbit, the systems on the ground, as well as a third policy to cover them together.) Extraplanetary investment in new, larger airstrips as well as better relations with the tusken population would be a boon to Tatooine's economy.

Finally, the galactic economy must be "flattened" and tariffs eliminated in order that Outer Rim planets can compete on equal terms with planets in the Galactic Core. This is a long-term policy which does not relate solely to Tatooine, but here there are some problems to be confronted before it will be admitted into any future Galactic Free Trade Zone. Illegal activity continues to dominate the major commerce centers of Tatooine, Bestine and Mos Eisly, which largely resemble the military outposts in a desert wasteland that they began as. Even the death of Jabba the Hutt has not mitigated the black market on this planet; immediately following his demise, other unsavory creatures rushed to fill the power vacuum and there is significant evidence that the Hutts are once again exerting influence. While it is obviously preferable that the New Republic not prop-up corrupt regimes like the Hutts, Han Solo is rumored to have had business dealings with them in the past so perhaps some negotiations are possible. In time, the black market could be supplanted by legal commerce and the Hutts given some stake in the new system so that it will survive in the long-term. After all, Coruscant remains the capitol of government and in remote locations such as Tatooine, cooperation with local power brokers will be absolutely necessary in order to exert effective control. The Hutts are shrewd businessslugs and the correct combination of carrots and sticks could lead to them to recognize the benefits of cooperation with the Organa administration's policies.

In summation, the economic forecast for Tatooine looks good. If the planet remains an underdeveloped backwater, it will be because the New Republic has perpetuated the Empire's neglect.

Next: Have Ewoks Jumped the Shark?

Michelle Tanner is a Dick

I don't know if anyone else has noticed this, or if I am venturing into new territory in the field of television studies, but I have discovered a trend in shows that have been on too long. It occurs in the final season, or seasons, of  most sitcoms and is a sure sign that everyone involved is ready to move on. Many people have written about shows "jumping the shark," but I am writing about what occurs after the shark has been jumped, when a network is just bleeding a show dry. 

Now there are many obvious things like fantasy episodes or dramatic departures of leading characters that point to the end of a network comedy, but there are two things that I've picked up on recently. 

1) Every single person in the cast is in almost every scene in every episode. There are very few individual character arcs because a) almost everything has been done with these characters in 7-9 years and b) every cast member wants plenty of screen time so that they're not forgotten before the show is even over. This is evident in later seasons of MASH, Full House, and now Scrubs. Even supporting characters like Radar(MASH) and Kimmy Gibler(Full House) manage to become as important as the main cast. 

2) Everyone becomes a vicious dick. Since, as stated above, most plots have been used up on the show, and almost every scene is populated with every character, many scenes are overstuffed with mean spirited zingers. I'm pretty sure every episode in the last season of Full House has 2-3 scenes where the Tanner family just makes fun of Kimmy Gibler and tells her she's a dumb bitch. I even think there was one scene where Michelle Tanner pricked her with an AIDS infected needle.*

So, we have shows that still manage to pull in ratings because of either nostalgia for seasons past or because people just want to see how it ends(although with most sitcoms everything ends with something similar to the status quo) and cast and crew on autopilot. This is the future I fear for some of my favorite shows like The Office and 30 Rock. A future of repeated jokes and unfunny dickery. I wish networks could focus on consistently making new quality shows rather than sucking the life out of every show that makes any money. Bascially, I wish Britain would take over Hollywood and make sure every show was screened by the Queen of England before it was allowed to air,  just like the BBC.***

*This may have been on OZ**

**Regardless of that, Michelle Tanner remains a dick. 

***Not sure that this actually happens, but I'd like to believe it does. And when the Queen doesn't like a show, she hits a button that drops the cast & crew into a pit of alligators. 

Can You Spot the Difference?

All dead people look the same. That’s not to say that all dead people are the same, or that all people die the same way, but they do all look the same. Every man or woman I’ve seen lying in a coffin has looked like a really pale person sleeping. What’s never the same however, is what each person does in death. What do I mean? For example, what they’re buried with. My grandfather was buried with a picture of the family. Other people are buried with jewels or in their favorite clothes. Or maybe a Wolverine comic, like my friend Jeff.

I found out Jeff died last Sunday, after I had seen “Iron Man.” It’s almost a perfect set-up—movie-like even. I couldn’t have written the irony if I tried. When Jeff and my brother were roommates, I would come over and Jeff and I would talk comics. And movies. And comic movies. And music…

Before you start to feel bad for me, you should know that Jeff and I weren’t close friends. He and my brother were, so I’ve got that angle. Jeff would also call me sometimes, or come over to my place so we could discuss music. We were both in bands. We’d try to trade shows, although he was much better at this than I was.

That’s another thing in Jeff’s coffin. His band was called Shell Shock, and he’s got a Shell Shock t-shirt with him. He was pretty passionate about his music. He was passionate about my music too. That’s why I care so much about him. Not because he was a fan, but because he was passionate.

I wasn’t the only one who thought so. That’s another difference about dead people: the people who come to pay their respects. What does it take to bring a grown, large, tattooed man to tears? Do I even need to say it?

I suppose there are a lot of differences between dead people. How they die might effect how they look; Religious statutes might dictate what one can be buried in; Unfortunately money might dictate certain aspects. There are a million differences we could probably come up with. There’s one glaring difference however that’s completely staring me in the face with Jeff’s death. When death comes a callin’, well, for some people it’s just their time. But others, conversely, are taken too soon. Jeff was taken too soon. That’s one hell of a difference.