Trying to Achieve Wii Fitness

In my 24 years of life, I've had few brief periods with regular exercise. Through elementary and middle school I played soccer every fall(which I maintain is responsible for my awesome calves today), in high school I would opt for the weight room over other activities(because I hated almost everyone doing the other stuff) and while working at Waldbaums I occasionally worked in the stock room, doing some heavy lifting. Plus I made a few attempts at going to the gym during college, but nothing really ever stuck. I could never get into the routine. There was always an excuse: too tired, too hungover, A-Team episode I haven't seen, Rocky marathon, or having to return some videotapes. 

Recently though, I've been thinking a lot more about being healthy. While I was never "obese" (Fat rolls everywhere, ex. The Blob, Jabba the Hut, Mamma Cass), I've always been pretty fat. (Gut, man boobs, enjoyment of snack cakes) In January, I weighed in at the most I've ever weighed: 264.5 pounds. I was weighing in for the "Fat Bastard" contest at work, and while I was at first joining in for fun, when I saw that weight, I had some serious motivation to lose it. I heard the Rocky music in my head and the first thing I would do when I got home is exercise. Within a few hours, that motivation was gone. But then I happened upon the "Belly Off" diet on the Men's Health website. I'm not going to go into details, but it encourages you to eat beer and steak, and I was down with that. It got me into a better eating habit, and over the course of three months, I lost 32 pounds. 

Then I kinda fell into a month long celebration of losing that weight. A few extra burgers here and there, and then I became an addict for three weeks. To Archer Farms Kettle Chips. These are delicous. Flavors like Buffalo, Spicy, Wasabi Mustard, Sweet Onion, I could not get enough of these. I wouldn't kill a man to eat these chips, but I might torture his family while he watched. But then, like an angel from the heavens, Wii Fit came down to aid me in my weight loss motivation. It arrived two weeks ago, and I've started losing weight again.

Now, the way Wii Fit works, is it gets you active and makes you feel like a fat piece of shit. It's like a personal trainer, only without the person. Which is great for me, since I'm slightly agoraphobic and like to avoid personal contact when possible. Also, I don't have to deal with that guy at the gym who looks like Triple H and grunts loudly with every rep. Anyway, back to Wii Fit and the angry scale that yells at me. "Angry scale?" you might ask. The balance board, which you use for the most of the game, also has an animated counterpart to help motivate you onscreen. It administers your body tests and then grills you on what happened if you gain any weight. Today, it seriously warned me before weighing in if I gained any weight. It said "The last two times you gained weight, you said it was from eating too much, Pauly, let's not have that happen again." And that shit was seriously in bold. Every day I get on that scale is a day I don't want to be yelled at by the animated persona of said scale. It has inspired me to lose weight with fear. The only way it could be more effective is if it gave me an electric shock every time I gained weight. That's probably how the Japanese version works. *

*Because they're crazy**

**Opinion based on viewing of Japanese game shows***

***Also based on article I read where the author bought a used pair of girl's panties from a vending machine in Japan.

P.S. I haven't beaten my kettle chip addiction, but I have lessened my portions. Also, current weight is 223.

Commute Rambling: The Political Historian

For anyone who rides a train or subway on a regular basis, you can point out that person who will say or do something that you will be sure to tell everyone at work about. Here in Atlanta I have the distinct pleasure of hearing a crazy rant more often than anyone else. On Sunday, one such rant occurred which will top my list of 'Commute Ramblings'.

I was in the last car heading eastbound towards Indian Creek. A man in a purple LSU sweatshirt and matching leather visor sat across from me and my co-worker. After this encounter, I plan on carrying a tape recorder with me during all train rides. The following are points the half-black, half-Italian semi-drunk man, who shall be named "Warren" from this point on, made.

• Only White People Understand Education. 'Warren' mentioned Yale in his ramblings about G.W. Bush (half of his tirade), then stated that Caucasians (me and my co-worker being the ones he pointed at) were the only people near him that understood that Yale means "good education".

• Yale = Free Pussy Pass. According to Warren, by being a student at Yale, whether you earned it through intelligence or genetics, it means you have bragging rights and therefore can use your educational institution as reasoning with a female to get some easy poon. I will also note that he said the word "pussy" about seven times in two and a half minutes in front of a sixty year old woman and her granddaughter of eleven.
  

• William Jefferson, King of the African-Americans. The blackest president is Bill Clinton. Warren had legitimate, undisputable proof. He said, "Bill Clinton plays the saxophone, wears sunglasses, and even made the woman that gave him a blowjob famous. He is a black man."

• JFK. We took a bigger leap back through time when the Political Historian made sure to bring up the fact that JFK was having "all kinds of crazy sex with Marilyn Monroe." At this point a crazy woman in the corner in a wheelchair yelled out "Joe DiMaggio!"

• I Will Not be Robbed. Before my co-worker and I (again, the only Caucasians nearby) disembarked from the train, we were assured by 'Warren' that we don't need to be afraid of him. He promised he would not follow us to our cars to rob us at gunpoint. I felt the weight soar off my shoulders.

All in all, the encounter with 'Warren' is probably one of the best Commute Ramblings I have... so far. I have no doubt that somewhere out there is someone crazier, drunker, more homeless, and wiser that will just so happen to pass me on the walk to work or, if the gods are kind, sit next to me on the train.

REVIEW: THE ZEN OF ZOMBIE

As an amateur zombiologist, I often wonder what I would do when placed in the scenario of a zombie outbreak. I've contemplated the best ways to destroy a staircase and the best methods for taking out various undead without exerting too much energy or wasting ammunition. On colder days, before going out, I make sure I have enough layers to protect me from the cold and from the frigid walking death a bite from a zombie would bring. Although never a boyscout, my motto is definitely "Be prepared."(For some fucking zombies)

To support my research, there were two texts that I held above all others: The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z both of which were written by Max Brooks. These expanded my mind with such radical ideas like going to a prison instead of a suburban mall or using a sword instead of wasting ammo in close combat. However, not once did I stop to consider the zombie. The zombie was simply an obstacle to me and my loved ones' continued existence. Until now. 

Scott Kenemore has written a groundbreaking book called The Zen of Zombie: Better Living Through the Undead. Mr. Kenemore takes a radical approach of presenting the zombie as a role model. He believes that we will all lead better lives if we are as unrelenting and ruthless at work and in our personal lives as the zombie is in pursuit of some fresh brains. By adapting the single-minded nature of the zombie, Kenemore believes all of our goals can easily be accomplished. This is all well and good, but Mr. Kenemore doesn't go far enough.

If we are able to think and act like the zombies, then they should be easily defeated. However, Mr. Kenemore thinks that bettering one's own life is enough. He focuses on trivial issues like dating and promotions. Why not make your goal to remove the stink of rotting flesh from the globe? I guess the survival of mankind against the zombie plagues isn't that important. Were he to take his ideas and put them towards the more constructive task of ridding the world of the undead, Mr. Kenemore would be a celebrated scholar and prize winner like Mr. Brooks. As it is, he's written an entertaining and funny book, but not one that should be considered an accurate text of zombiology. The employees at the book store should really do a better job of categorizing things. 

Ford vs. Ford

Rocky vs. Apollo. Rocky vs. Thunderlips. Rocky vs. Clubber.

In all of literature and film and history there have been many battles between good and evil, as noted above. However, it is rarely questioned who would win in a battle between good and potentially gooder. Take for example a battle between Washington and Lincoln (not physical battle, unless we have zombie Washington versus zombie Lincoln and at that point it's just absurd). Both excellent presidents who helped make this country, but which is the potentially gooder one? Let us save this for another time and examine a much more important comparison. Han Solo versus Indiana Jones. Two Harrison Fords going head to head in several important categories, ultimately deciding which Harrison is superior. Let us begin.

Every person is born, usually.
Han Solo was an orphan, never knowing who exactly his parents were. However, during his early years he was raised by a female Wookie according to my Han Solo Trilogy Biography (HSTB). Indiana Jones was born from the semen of William Forrester himself, Sean Connery, and some chick. Probably Pussy Galore. Point to Indy, I guess.

Company KeptIf you hang out with a 10 year old Asian boy, they're gonna talk. However, if you're sensible, you'll have a Wookie owing you a life debt and no one will be quick to fuck with you. So a point to Solo? Not so fast. He also made the mistake of becoming friends with a cape-wearing jackass. This 'friend' gave Han up to save himself from those Empire bastards. Yes, in the end he wears a helmet with fangs and stands around a lot during Han's rescue, but that doesn't revoke his traitor status. So it's still Wookie against Asian boy... but the Asian boy who played Data in The Goonies. Plus, Indy's pal Sallah, not only rocked in two Indiana Jones films, but also destroyed several hundred Orcs and 'slided' in many different dimensions with Jerry O'Connell. Point Indy.


Laying the Metaphorical CarpetIn each Indiana Jones film, we find the charming hero taking a different woman to bed, including one that his father made the beast with two backs with. Gross. Minus one point. According to HSTB Han has had several love interests. He's banged an older musician. Awesome. And his first real love is one of the people who died so that the Rebels could have the blueprints for the Death Star. Hot. He saves his future wife mainly because he knows she's got money. Clever. Point to Han, no doubt.

Sharp Dressed Man
ZZ Top rocks and so does a sweet ensemble. Leather jacket, fedora, whip, and khakis. Indy's kinda like a cartoon character. Same clothes, except for a suit and undercover Egyptian digger (who looks like an American) outfit. Han Solo understands fashion and climate. He's on the desert planet of Tatooine so he has a vest. He's on the ice planet Hoth, so he keeps the same look, but now sports a long sleeve version of his earlier outfit. Then let's say he makes his way to a forest planet on a secret mission. Camouflage jacket over that same old outfit. Solo's clothes may be as reused as Indy's but he knows how to keep it interesting and much more sensible. Point to Solo.


Putting the Evil Inside HimThere is only one way to decide which of these Fords fought more formidable foes... compare Hitler and his Nazis to Darth Vader and his Stormtroopers. They're the same thing. Solo was also hunted by bounty hunters, so I'm going to give him that point. Then again, he did get caught. Point to no one.

How You Kill Makes the Man
It's not just a matter of blaster against whip (which I'm sure many of you simple people would think to be the easiest solution). Using only those two weapons as a basis, its clear that the blaster would come out on top. Wrong. Think about it. Indy has 'killed' using the old flag pole to motorcycle trick and letting the hot blonde he banged fall to her death. Most importantly, Indy knowingly let a German mechanic be hacked to death by a propeller. Bad ass, clever, hilarious, etc.. Two points to Indy.


And so the score is 4-2, Indy victorious. However, unlike HSTB, the several pieces of literature which recount Indy's adventures overlapped several times in the grand timeline. Because of these discrepancies, I must come to the conclusion that the Indiana Jones films are not true accounts of his adventures, but possibly exaggerated tales of what actually occurred. Therefore, my results are inconclusive. I apologize. If you have any information pertaining to non-fictional literature on Indiana Jones, please contact me so that I may finally once and for all make an educated decision as to which man is the better man.