For centuries the moisture farmers and hunters of the desolate desert planet Tatooine have domesticated the large reptilian beast of burden known as the Dewback and now they want to take a drastic measure and clone, then genetically alter the animal. The Dewbacks earned their name by getting moisture by licking the dew that had formed of each others’ backs in the morning. If only it were this easy for the moisture farmers of this arid land to collect their crop. These days the water seems to be, for lack of a better phrase, drying up! The planet’s average temperature has risen a drastic 1.5° over the past decade.
The 1.5° increase in temperature has caused an issue that effects more than just the moisture farmers. The Dewback, which is the one of the few animals that can survive in the harsh climate of the planet, are starting to lessen in number. The Galactic Non-Sentient Protection Agency has not designated Dewbacks as a threatened species. These beasts travel to the Jundland Wastes, where the sands are the ideal temperature to lay their eggs, once a year for mating season. The species has done this journey for so long and it has become so engrained in their genetics, that it is near impossible to breed a Dewback in captivity. Over this past decade the number of newborn Dewbacks has dropped a significant 5% and is believed to grow exponentially over this next decade. Because of this decrease and the planets dependency on the animal, scientists speculate that cloning the species may need to begin within the decade.
Owners of Dewbacks have other concerns about their Dewbacks and are voicing their opinions to the scientists researching and advocating the cloning of the species. Doc Breetel is a young human gem hunter who resides just outside Anchorhead. “Every year I lose my Dewback, Vernil, for about five weeks during mating season. I can’t be walking around the wastelands hunting for precious stones on foot. If they’re going to clone these things, they could at least find a way to deal with this problem,” he says. Many people rely upon Dewbacks as simple desert transportation and assisting them in their daily business, ranging from the moisture farmers, to local construction companies using them to haul equipment across town. All of these Dewback owners lose their animal for several weeks during mating season, stalling business until they return. Why do they let the Dewback go away? Ask ex-Republic gunner Remmie Dextin. “We had just bought a Dewback for my friend’s dad’s used transport lot to haul scrap metal around. Mating season rolled around and we still had some work to do, so we tried to keep the Dewback in his pen. Bad idea. The thing broke through the fence and knocked me over, damaging my leg beyond repair.” And the solution to the mating season problem is very simple. When the animal is cloned they can be genetically altered and turned asexual. However, the Galactic Non-Sentient Protection Agency still claims that it is unethical to turn such a reproduction-oriented animal asexual.
The idea of neutering the Dewbacks has been discussed much in the past years. The animal’s tough hide and poor healing ability make operating more pain than it’s worth. The animal’s reproductive organs also lie very close to several important nerve clusters which, if even slightly nicked, would severely damage the Dewback’s nervous system. Not only that, but the size and genes of the Dewback make it immune to any legal tranquilizers. There have been several illegal neuterings done recently, but in the end have left the Dewback unable to work at the same capacity it did before the operation due to damage done to the nervous system.
The Dewback owners on Tatooine would be very grateful to have an animal that does not disappear for weeks (up to two and a half months depending on the distance to the Jundland Wastes) once a year. However, until the GNSPA allow the altering of genes on cloned animals, individuals like Doc Breetel will have to continue to manage with the Dewback mating season like the residents of Tatooine have for centuries.
Showing posts with label Kyle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kyle. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, December 1, 2008
Review: "Twilight"
Let me begin by pointing out that I have not seen the film but I have seen a trailer, so I feel that this makes me qualified to make a review.
Let me also point out that upon seeing the trailer on Lifetime (during Golden Girls or Fraiser), someone pointed out to me that they believed it to be a Lifetime movie about vampires.
Also, let me point out that when I heard this, I watched the trailer a second time and found out that the male lead is from the Harry Potter series of films. Thus I am double qualified.
The film (trailer) begins as dramatically as one could hope a teenage vampire film (trailer) to begin. The use of fog around the school parking lot creates an ominous feeling, already putting me on the edge of my seat. Then they push the drama even further. That low hanging precipitation that earlier in the film (trailer) worried me, has its ground-bound cousin, the puddle, transforms a mini-van into a several ton deadly torpedo careening towards our leading lady and her dad’s sweet pickup truck. At this point the drama has me close to shitting myself. The director of the film (trailer) now uses some amazing fades to show the connection made between the leading lady and the male lead that stopped the mini-van… with his hand! All the fades can mean is that these two are truly in love.
The tension grows as he denies explaining that he’s a vampire. She points out that he’s pale, cold, and burns easily. When she mutters the word ‘vampire’ you can sense the sexual tension in both their loins ready to explode.
However, before he can hold his pale undead body against hers, the dude’s vampire friends show up and want to get a piece of the girl too, because vampires love orgies. But the male lead refuses, lots of fighting ensues and glowing blue font reveals the most important line of the film (trailer)… ‘Forever Begins Now.’ Holy shit, my mind is blown. This teenage vampire film (trailer) has show me that love has no boundaries and how now tosses out some Kant level philosophy all in less than two and a half minutes.
Overall it was pretty awesome. My only problem is that it seems kind of short, like maybe they cut some stuff out. I’m pretty sure the bad vampires lose, but I’m not exactly sure. Sequel?
Let me also point out that upon seeing the trailer on Lifetime (during Golden Girls or Fraiser), someone pointed out to me that they believed it to be a Lifetime movie about vampires.
Also, let me point out that when I heard this, I watched the trailer a second time and found out that the male lead is from the Harry Potter series of films. Thus I am double qualified.
The film (trailer) begins as dramatically as one could hope a teenage vampire film (trailer) to begin. The use of fog around the school parking lot creates an ominous feeling, already putting me on the edge of my seat. Then they push the drama even further. That low hanging precipitation that earlier in the film (trailer) worried me, has its ground-bound cousin, the puddle, transforms a mini-van into a several ton deadly torpedo careening towards our leading lady and her dad’s sweet pickup truck. At this point the drama has me close to shitting myself. The director of the film (trailer) now uses some amazing fades to show the connection made between the leading lady and the male lead that stopped the mini-van… with his hand! All the fades can mean is that these two are truly in love.
The tension grows as he denies explaining that he’s a vampire. She points out that he’s pale, cold, and burns easily. When she mutters the word ‘vampire’ you can sense the sexual tension in both their loins ready to explode.
However, before he can hold his pale undead body against hers, the dude’s vampire friends show up and want to get a piece of the girl too, because vampires love orgies. But the male lead refuses, lots of fighting ensues and glowing blue font reveals the most important line of the film (trailer)… ‘Forever Begins Now.’ Holy shit, my mind is blown. This teenage vampire film (trailer) has show me that love has no boundaries and how now tosses out some Kant level philosophy all in less than two and a half minutes.
Overall it was pretty awesome. My only problem is that it seems kind of short, like maybe they cut some stuff out. I’m pretty sure the bad vampires lose, but I’m not exactly sure. Sequel?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Review: Tuesday February 12th, 2008
Some pretty sweet things have happened on February 12th.
- 1894- First artificial ice rink opens in North America is in Madison Square Garden.
- 1924 - Calvin Coolidge is the first president to deliver a speech over the radio.
- 1973- First US POWs released from Vietnam.
- 1999- Bill Clinton acquitted in his impeachment trial.
- 2008- Kyle Lutz had a hilariously awesome day.
- I won three games in EA Sports Hockey by at least 3 points in each game.
- I had a day off from work.
- I saw a 300 lb. woman on a bright pink scooter patiently waiting to pull out from a side road in my neighborhood.
- Power lines went down when a transformer blew a few houses down at about 9:15 PM and caused a fire in a yard. The white-trash photographer in me ran down the street, low quality digital camera in hand, and took a couple decent (but blurry) photos before two fire engines and four cop cars showed up. It was glorious.
- Most importantly, I had an encounter with yet another crazy person. This time it was not during my morning commute, but at Target. I was in the 'Family Planning' area deciding if I needed 'Ultra Ribbed' or 'Ultra Thin' when, very suddenly, a 55 year old man close to 7 feet tall approached me. "I need some help buying a razor," he said. I stared at this awkward giant for an uncomfortable moment. "I only have three dollars," he continued and held out three one dollar bills in one hand and a pink woman's hairbrush in the other. I wondered if he was homeless, crazy, poor or just all three. "I don't have any cash on me. Sorry," I replied honestly and an bit terrified. The man frowned as if I had crushed every dream he ever had and heaved a massive sigh. "I have to shave. I need a razor," he said, more to himself than to me, and walked away in search of someone else who could cure him of his heavy scruff.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Commute Rambling: The Political Historian
For anyone who rides a train or subway on a regular basis, you can point out that person who will say or do something that you will be sure to tell everyone at work about. Here in Atlanta I have the distinct pleasure of hearing a crazy rant more often than anyone else. On Sunday, one such rant occurred which will top my list of 'Commute Ramblings'.
I was in the last car heading eastbound towards Indian Creek. A man in a purple LSU sweatshirt and matching leather visor sat across from me and my co-worker. After this encounter, I plan on carrying a tape recorder with me during all train rides. The following are points the half-black, half-Italian semi-drunk man, who shall be named "Warren" from this point on, made.
I was in the last car heading eastbound towards Indian Creek. A man in a purple LSU sweatshirt and matching leather visor sat across from me and my co-worker. After this encounter, I plan on carrying a tape recorder with me during all train rides. The following are points the half-black, half-Italian semi-drunk man, who shall be named "Warren" from this point on, made.
- Only White People Understand Education. 'Warren' mentioned Yale in his ramblings about G.W. Bush (half of his tirade), then stated that Caucasians (me and my co-worker being the ones he pointed at) were the only people near him that understood that Yale means "good education".
- Yale = Free Pussy Pass. According to Warren, by being a student at Yale, whether you earned it through intelligence or genetics, it means you have bragging rights and therefore can use your educational institution as reasoning with a female to get some easy poon. I will also note that he said the word "pussy" about seven times in two and a half minutes in front of a sixty year old woman and her granddaughter of eleven.
- William Jefferson, King of the African-Americans. The blackest president is Bill Clinton. Warren had legitimate, undisputable proof. He said, "Bill Clinton plays the saxophone, wears sunglasses, and even made the woman that gave him a blowjob famous. He is a black man."
- JFK. We took a bigger leap back through time when the Political Historian made sure to bring up the fact that JFK was having "all kinds of crazy sex with Marilyn Monroe." At this point a crazy woman in the corner in a wheelchair yelled out "Joe DiMaggio!"
- I Will Not be Robbed. Before my co-worker and I (again, the only Caucasians nearby) disembarked from the train, we were assured by 'Warren' that we don't need to be afraid of him. He promised he would not follow us to our cars to rob us at gunpoint. I felt the weight soar off my shoulders.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Technology Commentary in "Cloverfield"
This essay has some pretty serious spoilers.
At your local theater is a film called Untraceable which, from what I've seen, is a blatant jab at Americans for being obsessed with technology and violence. It is basically telling us about the evils of the internet and the crazy people on there. We get it! The internet is the filthy old man of technology. However, the other film currently playing that suggests our culture's dependence upon technology is Matt Reeves' Cloverfield.
By using hand held personal cameras, it makes the entire world of the film that much more real. The camera used in the film out-survives the main characters. Early in the film Hud is tricked into documenting a good-bye party, but decides to have fun with it. However, as the events of the night unfold, he carries on his duty of chronicling the adventure. Several times you hear someone saying 'Put the camera down' but at no point is Hud, the cameraman, willing to stop documenting the event. In the end only the technology survives... creepy.
The most humorous example of our use/obsession with technology is when the party-goers flood onto the street and experience the head of the Statue of Liberty landing in front of them. Within seconds there are at least a dozen people using their camera phones to capture the giant bronze head. Hilarious? Yes, in a creepy 'I don't know how or why this is happening, but I have time to camera phone this crazy shit' kind of way.
When the main characters are hiding in the subway, the most emotional and disturbingly real use of the camera comes. When Rob's mother calls and he must tell her that his brother was killed, the camera stays a good distance away, giving a strong feeling of voyeurism. All I could think of while this was going on was the video I saw when they brought Heath Ledger's body out from his apartment. There are people going through an incredibly emotional time, but all other people can think is that it'll look really good on TV or in a magazine.
Earlier in the film, Rob goes to steal a battery for his phone. Hud chases after him with the camera and we see my favorite use of technology in the film. While in the store we get video footage of television... several televisions. That's reflexive. We also see Hud spin around at one point to see all the looters staring at the news. They stopped looting in order to watch TV. I know they want to know what's going on, but it's just funny to see looters taking a break in the store they're robbing to see some TV.
So those are a few of the examples I saw in the film that can be viewed as a commentary about America's obsession and dependency with technology. With a second viewing and some writing utensils I could probably write a good four to five page paper if anyone is interested in purchasing it.
At your local theater is a film called Untraceable which, from what I've seen, is a blatant jab at Americans for being obsessed with technology and violence. It is basically telling us about the evils of the internet and the crazy people on there. We get it! The internet is the filthy old man of technology. However, the other film currently playing that suggests our culture's dependence upon technology is Matt Reeves' Cloverfield.
By using hand held personal cameras, it makes the entire world of the film that much more real. The camera used in the film out-survives the main characters. Early in the film Hud is tricked into documenting a good-bye party, but decides to have fun with it. However, as the events of the night unfold, he carries on his duty of chronicling the adventure. Several times you hear someone saying 'Put the camera down' but at no point is Hud, the cameraman, willing to stop documenting the event. In the end only the technology survives... creepy.
The most humorous example of our use/obsession with technology is when the party-goers flood onto the street and experience the head of the Statue of Liberty landing in front of them. Within seconds there are at least a dozen people using their camera phones to capture the giant bronze head. Hilarious? Yes, in a creepy 'I don't know how or why this is happening, but I have time to camera phone this crazy shit' kind of way.
When the main characters are hiding in the subway, the most emotional and disturbingly real use of the camera comes. When Rob's mother calls and he must tell her that his brother was killed, the camera stays a good distance away, giving a strong feeling of voyeurism. All I could think of while this was going on was the video I saw when they brought Heath Ledger's body out from his apartment. There are people going through an incredibly emotional time, but all other people can think is that it'll look really good on TV or in a magazine.
Earlier in the film, Rob goes to steal a battery for his phone. Hud chases after him with the camera and we see my favorite use of technology in the film. While in the store we get video footage of television... several televisions. That's reflexive. We also see Hud spin around at one point to see all the looters staring at the news. They stopped looting in order to watch TV. I know they want to know what's going on, but it's just funny to see looters taking a break in the store they're robbing to see some TV.
So those are a few of the examples I saw in the film that can be viewed as a commentary about America's obsession and dependency with technology. With a second viewing and some writing utensils I could probably write a good four to five page paper if anyone is interested in purchasing it.
Meet the Spoofs
It is true and I will not deny it. I saw Meet the Spartans last evening. Before you shiv me, let me give you the details. After seeing Cloverfield (which I would review, but I'd be the third) I made my way into a different theater thinking it was the bathroom. I pulled my pants down and sat down in one of the soft chairs. Before I could wonder 'Why are there so many other toilets in here?' or 'Where will my #2 go?' I was transported to ancient Sparta. Sadly, the film contained almost none of the scenes from the preview. More sadly, it did have some good parts.
There were several actors who appeared in the film that made the 101% 300 based storyline occasionally bearable. (Yes, I will admit that I laughed occasionally but mostly because of how bad it was.) The most important of these actors was Hercules himself, Kevin Sorbo. Why the hell didn't this guy do any comedy before? He was hilarious in the over buff, shirt missing demi-god sort of way. If you, like my dear friend Seth, pick it up from the $4.99 shelf at Blockbuster be prepared to laugh (one of the five times during the movie) when Hercules gets in on a "You're Momma" contest. Also appearing in this film was Carmen Electra. I never really found her all the attractive with her 'polar bear/snake face' but I was hoping so hard that her minimal clothes would somehow become even more... minimal. There was also an appearance by Ken Davitian, better known as Azamat Bagatov from Borat. He was actually the best part of the film and I vowed not to ruin it for you (two of the five times you will laugh during the movie).
It would be fair to say that the spoof genre pretty much died with the first Scary Movie, but it will continue to linger. Once in awhile there is a spoof that I can consider bearable. I personally thought that Scary Movie 4 was better than the previous two. I also thought that Not Another Teen Movie had several good moments. These films can never reach the caliber of Naked Gun and I don't think can with they type of people buying tickets to them. Scary Movie was a good spoof because the movies it spoofed were good movies. Now, the spoof films have movies like Stomp the Yard and You've Been Served and How She Move as material and as a result end up using the entire plot from one decent film and bad celebrity impersonators to fill the holes. If the films that are there to be spoofed are worth spoofing, then the spoof film will work. Make sense?
I am an intelligent man in my early 20's who spend a bit of money to learn how to make movies and I hope nobody thinks that I loved this movie and camped out the night before to purchase tickets. It was free and I never expected another Scary Movie, even though it was made by two of the writes of Scary Movie. I knew it would be crap parodying crap and that was the humor I wanted after watching Cloverfield.
There were several actors who appeared in the film that made the 101% 300 based storyline occasionally bearable. (Yes, I will admit that I laughed occasionally but mostly because of how bad it was.) The most important of these actors was Hercules himself, Kevin Sorbo. Why the hell didn't this guy do any comedy before? He was hilarious in the over buff, shirt missing demi-god sort of way. If you, like my dear friend Seth, pick it up from the $4.99 shelf at Blockbuster be prepared to laugh (one of the five times during the movie) when Hercules gets in on a "You're Momma" contest. Also appearing in this film was Carmen Electra. I never really found her all the attractive with her 'polar bear/snake face' but I was hoping so hard that her minimal clothes would somehow become even more... minimal. There was also an appearance by Ken Davitian, better known as Azamat Bagatov from Borat. He was actually the best part of the film and I vowed not to ruin it for you (two of the five times you will laugh during the movie).
It would be fair to say that the spoof genre pretty much died with the first Scary Movie, but it will continue to linger. Once in awhile there is a spoof that I can consider bearable. I personally thought that Scary Movie 4 was better than the previous two. I also thought that Not Another Teen Movie had several good moments. These films can never reach the caliber of Naked Gun and I don't think can with they type of people buying tickets to them. Scary Movie was a good spoof because the movies it spoofed were good movies. Now, the spoof films have movies like Stomp the Yard and You've Been Served and How She Move as material and as a result end up using the entire plot from one decent film and bad celebrity impersonators to fill the holes. If the films that are there to be spoofed are worth spoofing, then the spoof film will work. Make sense?
I am an intelligent man in my early 20's who spend a bit of money to learn how to make movies and I hope nobody thinks that I loved this movie and camped out the night before to purchase tickets. It was free and I never expected another Scary Movie, even though it was made by two of the writes of Scary Movie. I knew it would be crap parodying crap and that was the humor I wanted after watching Cloverfield.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Five Little Pleasures
It's doesn't take much to say you love a movie because it's so good. There's beautiful lighting, the characters are real, the acting is superb, etc. I spent four years in college and learned all about what makes a good film great. But what makes certain bad film entertaining AKA a guilty pleasure? I have chosen my five favorite not so great movies that I will always view as legendary and if I see it on TNT on Sunday at 2... that shit is staying on.
I will point out that all 5 of my top entertaining, non-award worthy films were all released in a 5 year period. Perhaps mid-late 90's to the beginning of the second millennium was just the best time for these films to prosper.
5. Anaconda (1997)
Let's start with the cast of this film: J. Lo, when her ass was still larger than her ego, Owen Wilson getting eaten by a snake, Ice Cube, and Robin Williams's dad from Jumaji (which was number 9 on this list). It's a good cast with not horrible acting ability. Wait, I forgot we also have Papa Jolie, Jon Voight, as one creepy ass dude who takes the team of documentary makers hostage and forces them to help him hunt down a giant snake just because he's crazy. Genius. The movie is full of amazingly cheap dialogs, stereotypical 1997 CGI, and pure entertainment.
4. Cable Guy (1996)
Ace Venture vs. Ferris Bueller at Medieval Times. That shit is classically stupid entertainment. I don't care if the rest of the movie is just Jim Carrey trying to one-up the kookiness of any past or future role. That's all I have to say about that.
3. Face Off (1997)
Can you pitch this movie without it sounding like the greatest plot for an action film? No, you can't. I tried. Impossible. A FBI agent switches faces with a bad guy in order to get the bad guy's brother to tell the agent where a bomb is, but things turn hairy when they bad guy gets the agent's face! There's also John Travolta making fun of his own chin, ambiguous incest tension, Nicolas Cage in one of his few awesome roles, and doves. As far as action movies go, I think this one is probably one of my favorite. Many of you have to agree, but you can also say Total Recall, which I will allow.
2. Shanghai Noon (2000)
Around the same time, Jackie Chan had started another franchise in which there was rushing and hours. However, I prefer this film since I find Chris Tuckers voice makes my ears bleed within 13 seconds. Also, Owen Wilson is a much better compliment to Jackie Chan as far as buddy comedy pairings go. The main reason I think this film is such a guilty pleasure is because it's a Martial Arts Western Comedy. The only other film that fits into that category is... nothing. Since this film is one of a kind, it deserves the second place spot in my list of guilty pleasure movies.
1. A Knight's Tale (2001)
This is not my number one because I'm dedicating it to Heath Ledger. It is number one because there are very few people, who will say 'No' to this film. In all the years of school, when I brought up that I love this movie to other film students, even though it's nothing special, everyone has always agreed that it is one of their favorite bad movies. I believe what makes this film great is that it crosses even more genres than Shanghai Noon. This film is an Historic Action Romantic Comedy Musical. I don't mean musical in the sense that there's singing and dancing, but because the soundtrack makes this film such a guilty pleasure. When else have you (or where else will you) hear Freddie Mercury belting out "We Will Rock You" during a Medieval jousting tournament? Not in The Cable Guy. This film crosses all of these genres and that is what makes it so great and more entertaining than any other guilty pleasure film. Also because it is the film that will always come to mind when you mention Heath Ledger... except very much possibly The Dark Knight (I hope).
I will point out that all 5 of my top entertaining, non-award worthy films were all released in a 5 year period. Perhaps mid-late 90's to the beginning of the second millennium was just the best time for these films to prosper.
5. Anaconda (1997)
Let's start with the cast of this film: J. Lo, when her ass was still larger than her ego, Owen Wilson getting eaten by a snake, Ice Cube, and Robin Williams's dad from Jumaji (which was number 9 on this list). It's a good cast with not horrible acting ability. Wait, I forgot we also have Papa Jolie, Jon Voight, as one creepy ass dude who takes the team of documentary makers hostage and forces them to help him hunt down a giant snake just because he's crazy. Genius. The movie is full of amazingly cheap dialogs, stereotypical 1997 CGI, and pure entertainment.
4. Cable Guy (1996)
Ace Venture vs. Ferris Bueller at Medieval Times. That shit is classically stupid entertainment. I don't care if the rest of the movie is just Jim Carrey trying to one-up the kookiness of any past or future role. That's all I have to say about that.
3. Face Off (1997)
Can you pitch this movie without it sounding like the greatest plot for an action film? No, you can't. I tried. Impossible. A FBI agent switches faces with a bad guy in order to get the bad guy's brother to tell the agent where a bomb is, but things turn hairy when they bad guy gets the agent's face! There's also John Travolta making fun of his own chin, ambiguous incest tension, Nicolas Cage in one of his few awesome roles, and doves. As far as action movies go, I think this one is probably one of my favorite. Many of you have to agree, but you can also say Total Recall, which I will allow.
2. Shanghai Noon (2000)
Around the same time, Jackie Chan had started another franchise in which there was rushing and hours. However, I prefer this film since I find Chris Tuckers voice makes my ears bleed within 13 seconds. Also, Owen Wilson is a much better compliment to Jackie Chan as far as buddy comedy pairings go. The main reason I think this film is such a guilty pleasure is because it's a Martial Arts Western Comedy. The only other film that fits into that category is... nothing. Since this film is one of a kind, it deserves the second place spot in my list of guilty pleasure movies.
1. A Knight's Tale (2001)
This is not my number one because I'm dedicating it to Heath Ledger. It is number one because there are very few people, who will say 'No' to this film. In all the years of school, when I brought up that I love this movie to other film students, even though it's nothing special, everyone has always agreed that it is one of their favorite bad movies. I believe what makes this film great is that it crosses even more genres than Shanghai Noon. This film is an Historic Action Romantic Comedy Musical. I don't mean musical in the sense that there's singing and dancing, but because the soundtrack makes this film such a guilty pleasure. When else have you (or where else will you) hear Freddie Mercury belting out "We Will Rock You" during a Medieval jousting tournament? Not in The Cable Guy. This film crosses all of these genres and that is what makes it so great and more entertaining than any other guilty pleasure film. Also because it is the film that will always come to mind when you mention Heath Ledger... except very much possibly The Dark Knight (I hope).
Monday, January 21, 2008
REVIEW: THE ORPHANAGE?
This really isn't a review, just an awkward narrative with a slight bit of review in it. I realized as I started this post that I didn't have much to say but felt I should post something anyway.
On Friday night Crystal was all like "Let's see a movie. Let's see a movie." So she looks up what's going on and I'm all like "Ooo, Cloverfield." Then I realize it's Friday night and it'll be packed with kids. Then she shows me the preview for The Orphanage. It looked like a normal 'creepy child recently moving into a haunted house' kind of movie. However, it has Guillermo del Toro's name all over it. I saw half of the first Hellboy and thought it was a well-directed action superhero movie with actual style. And if all ya'll didn't know, Pan's Labyrinth is one of the very few films in recent years that I feel is in my top movies.
We arrive in the theater and that shit is empty except for an old couple, Crystal and I, and a younger couple that comes in five minutes into the movie. The opening credits were weird, and I don't mean because they were in Spanish. There were like seven different production companies involved in making the film, plus del Toro and what looked like a few television companies. So the film itself had a feel that seemed half normal haunting movie and half foreign film. The music wasn't the blatant 'oh shit, something's coming' and 'oh shit, you should be prepared for the worst' soundtrack. It had the intensity of the haunting film without crappy dialogue. In fact, it seemed to have minimal dialog at some points, very much like Pan's Labyrinth. I think it works well in the film and causes it to be more about the visual aspects and the story. The end of the film (I won't ruin it too much) started out to be an ending like Pan's Labyrinth where you think it's all worked out and it's cheesy, but nice. Then you see the truth. And at the very end you still smile just enough not to hate the ending.
When we left the theater, Crystal asked me what I thought. I felt that it was a refreshing view of a haunting-style film with real direction. I expected a bit more because it was del Toro, but I figured more of his mind was on Hellboy 2 at the time. However, it turns out I was wrong because he didn't direct The Orphanage, just produced it and thus they were able to put his name all over it.
So basically I would say it was a good movie, but nothing incredibly special. It was a well-directed, slight re-envisioning, of a movie that seems to have been done several times before.
On Friday night Crystal was all like "Let's see a movie. Let's see a movie." So she looks up what's going on and I'm all like "Ooo, Cloverfield." Then I realize it's Friday night and it'll be packed with kids. Then she shows me the preview for The Orphanage. It looked like a normal 'creepy child recently moving into a haunted house' kind of movie. However, it has Guillermo del Toro's name all over it. I saw half of the first Hellboy and thought it was a well-directed action superhero movie with actual style. And if all ya'll didn't know, Pan's Labyrinth is one of the very few films in recent years that I feel is in my top movies.
We arrive in the theater and that shit is empty except for an old couple, Crystal and I, and a younger couple that comes in five minutes into the movie. The opening credits were weird, and I don't mean because they were in Spanish. There were like seven different production companies involved in making the film, plus del Toro and what looked like a few television companies. So the film itself had a feel that seemed half normal haunting movie and half foreign film. The music wasn't the blatant 'oh shit, something's coming' and 'oh shit, you should be prepared for the worst' soundtrack. It had the intensity of the haunting film without crappy dialogue. In fact, it seemed to have minimal dialog at some points, very much like Pan's Labyrinth. I think it works well in the film and causes it to be more about the visual aspects and the story. The end of the film (I won't ruin it too much) started out to be an ending like Pan's Labyrinth where you think it's all worked out and it's cheesy, but nice. Then you see the truth. And at the very end you still smile just enough not to hate the ending.
When we left the theater, Crystal asked me what I thought. I felt that it was a refreshing view of a haunting-style film with real direction. I expected a bit more because it was del Toro, but I figured more of his mind was on Hellboy 2 at the time. However, it turns out I was wrong because he didn't direct The Orphanage, just produced it and thus they were able to put his name all over it.
So basically I would say it was a good movie, but nothing incredibly special. It was a well-directed, slight re-envisioning, of a movie that seems to have been done several times before.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Ford vs. Ford
Rocky vs. Apollo. Rocky vs. Thunderlips. Rocky vs. Clubber.
In all of literature and film and history there have been many battles between good and evil, as noted above. However, it is rarely questioned who would win in a battle between good and potentially gooder. Take for example a battle between Washington and Lincoln (not physical battle, unless we have zombie Washington versus zombie Lincoln and at that point it's just absurd). Both excellent presidents who helped make this country, but which is the potentially gooder one? Let us save this for another time and examine a much more important comparison. Han Solo versus Indiana Jones. Two Harrison Fords going head to head in several important categories, ultimately deciding which Harrison is superior. Let us begin.
Every person is born, usually.
Han Solo was an orphan, never knowing who exactly his parents were. However, during his early years he was raised by a female Wookie according to my Han Solo Trilogy Biography (HSTB). Indiana Jones was born from the semen of William Forrester himself, Sean Connery, and some chick. Probably Pussy Galore. Point to Indy, I guess.
Company KeptIf you hang out with a 10 year old Asian boy, they're gonna talk. However, if you're sensible, you'll have a Wookie owing you a life debt and no one will be quick to fuck with you. So a point to Solo? Not so fast. He also made the mistake of becoming friends with a cape-wearing jackass. This 'friend' gave Han up to save himself from those Empire bastards. Yes, in the end he wears a helmet with fangs and stands around a lot during Han's rescue, but that doesn't revoke his traitor status. So it's still Wookie against Asian boy... but the Asian boy who played Data in The Goonies. Plus, Indy's pal Sallah, not only rocked in two Indiana Jones films, but also destroyed several hundred Orcs and 'slided' in many different dimensions with Jerry O'Connell. Point Indy.
Laying the Metaphorical CarpetIn each Indiana Jones film, we find the charming hero taking a different woman to bed, including one that his father made the beast with two backs with. Gross. Minus one point. According to HSTB Han has had several love interests. He's banged an older musician. Awesome. And his first real love is one of the people who died so that the Rebels could have the blueprints for the Death Star. Hot. He saves his future wife mainly because he knows she's got money. Clever. Point to Han, no doubt.
Sharp Dressed Man
ZZ Top rocks and so does a sweet ensemble. Leather jacket, fedora, whip, and khakis. Indy's kinda like a cartoon character. Same clothes, except for a suit and undercover Egyptian digger (who looks like an American) outfit. Han Solo understands fashion and climate. He's on the desert planet of Tatooine so he has a vest. He's on the ice planet Hoth, so he keeps the same look, but now sports a long sleeve version of his earlier outfit. Then let's say he makes his way to a forest planet on a secret mission. Camouflage jacket over that same old outfit. Solo's clothes may be as reused as Indy's but he knows how to keep it interesting and much more sensible. Point to Solo.
Putting the Evil Inside HimThere is only one way to decide which of these Fords fought more formidable foes... compare Hitler and his Nazis to Darth Vader and his Stormtroopers. They're the same thing. Solo was also hunted by bounty hunters, so I'm going to give him that point. Then again, he did get caught. Point to no one.
How You Kill Makes the Man
It's not just a matter of blaster against whip (which I'm sure many of you simple people would think to be the easiest solution). Using only those two weapons as a basis, its clear that the blaster would come out on top. Wrong. Think about it. Indy has 'killed' using the old flag pole to motorcycle trick and letting the hot blonde he banged fall to her death. Most importantly, Indy knowingly let a German mechanic be hacked to death by a propeller. Bad ass, clever, hilarious, etc.. Two points to Indy.
And so the score is 4-2, Indy victorious. However, unlike HSTB, the several pieces of literature which recount Indy's adventures overlapped several times in the grand timeline. Because of these discrepancies, I must come to the conclusion that the Indiana Jones films are not true accounts of his adventures, but possibly exaggerated tales of what actually occurred. Therefore, my results are inconclusive. I apologize. If you have any information pertaining to non-fictional literature on Indiana Jones, please contact me so that I may finally once and for all make an educated decision as to which man is the better man.
In all of literature and film and history there have been many battles between good and evil, as noted above. However, it is rarely questioned who would win in a battle between good and potentially gooder. Take for example a battle between Washington and Lincoln (not physical battle, unless we have zombie Washington versus zombie Lincoln and at that point it's just absurd). Both excellent presidents who helped make this country, but which is the potentially gooder one? Let us save this for another time and examine a much more important comparison. Han Solo versus Indiana Jones. Two Harrison Fords going head to head in several important categories, ultimately deciding which Harrison is superior. Let us begin.
Every person is born, usually.
Han Solo was an orphan, never knowing who exactly his parents were. However, during his early years he was raised by a female Wookie according to my Han Solo Trilogy Biography (HSTB). Indiana Jones was born from the semen of William Forrester himself, Sean Connery, and some chick. Probably Pussy Galore. Point to Indy, I guess.
Company KeptIf you hang out with a 10 year old Asian boy, they're gonna talk. However, if you're sensible, you'll have a Wookie owing you a life debt and no one will be quick to fuck with you. So a point to Solo? Not so fast. He also made the mistake of becoming friends with a cape-wearing jackass. This 'friend' gave Han up to save himself from those Empire bastards. Yes, in the end he wears a helmet with fangs and stands around a lot during Han's rescue, but that doesn't revoke his traitor status. So it's still Wookie against Asian boy... but the Asian boy who played Data in The Goonies. Plus, Indy's pal Sallah, not only rocked in two Indiana Jones films, but also destroyed several hundred Orcs and 'slided' in many different dimensions with Jerry O'Connell. Point Indy.
Laying the Metaphorical CarpetIn each Indiana Jones film, we find the charming hero taking a different woman to bed, including one that his father made the beast with two backs with. Gross. Minus one point. According to HSTB Han has had several love interests. He's banged an older musician. Awesome. And his first real love is one of the people who died so that the Rebels could have the blueprints for the Death Star. Hot. He saves his future wife mainly because he knows she's got money. Clever. Point to Han, no doubt.
Sharp Dressed Man
ZZ Top rocks and so does a sweet ensemble. Leather jacket, fedora, whip, and khakis. Indy's kinda like a cartoon character. Same clothes, except for a suit and undercover Egyptian digger (who looks like an American) outfit. Han Solo understands fashion and climate. He's on the desert planet of Tatooine so he has a vest. He's on the ice planet Hoth, so he keeps the same look, but now sports a long sleeve version of his earlier outfit. Then let's say he makes his way to a forest planet on a secret mission. Camouflage jacket over that same old outfit. Solo's clothes may be as reused as Indy's but he knows how to keep it interesting and much more sensible. Point to Solo.
Putting the Evil Inside HimThere is only one way to decide which of these Fords fought more formidable foes... compare Hitler and his Nazis to Darth Vader and his Stormtroopers. They're the same thing. Solo was also hunted by bounty hunters, so I'm going to give him that point. Then again, he did get caught. Point to no one.
How You Kill Makes the Man
It's not just a matter of blaster against whip (which I'm sure many of you simple people would think to be the easiest solution). Using only those two weapons as a basis, its clear that the blaster would come out on top. Wrong. Think about it. Indy has 'killed' using the old flag pole to motorcycle trick and letting the hot blonde he banged fall to her death. Most importantly, Indy knowingly let a German mechanic be hacked to death by a propeller. Bad ass, clever, hilarious, etc.. Two points to Indy.
And so the score is 4-2, Indy victorious. However, unlike HSTB, the several pieces of literature which recount Indy's adventures overlapped several times in the grand timeline. Because of these discrepancies, I must come to the conclusion that the Indiana Jones films are not true accounts of his adventures, but possibly exaggerated tales of what actually occurred. Therefore, my results are inconclusive. I apologize. If you have any information pertaining to non-fictional literature on Indiana Jones, please contact me so that I may finally once and for all make an educated decision as to which man is the better man.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)